F*ck you f*cks

the fact that you censored fuck triggers me

+ Show Spoiler +

I didn't censor it. Someone else did. It's the man I tell ya. Trying to kill our free speech. I don't believe in censorship.

Jordan Peterson has said it is good to write everyday and I have found it beneficial. Especially on my days off that are not really stacked with activity in the midday. I am re-reading two novels at the moment. "50 Shades of Grey" by someone I don't remember her name. EL James or something. I am also re-reading "Money" by Martin Amis. I tell you what, 50 Shades is actually a pretty good story. Sometimes simply written and bordering on the cliche at times it feels as if it was written to make money rather than be a piece of art. Martin Amis has said it is difficult to write sex but EL does it well. There are also times when she is describing the secret BDSM room that it is actually quite lovely. On the other hand it could just be considered bullshit fantasy for 20 somethings.

Then there is "Money" by Martin Amis. A true classic. John Self. What a character. The writing is brilliant. There is a richness and humor that is severely lacking in 50 shades. This guy knows how to write.

Nabokov says a truly great reader is a re-reader and I can see where he is coming from. I don't exactly remember every last detail but I kind of know where the book is going. I can fully focus on the artistic sense and the writing. I can relive some of the amazing moments and even appreciate some of the other aspects more.

I really just wanted to talk some literature. I am just throwing topics out there. Back to "Money."

I know it is a little weird to just randomly start discussing literature.

I eventually want to read that book about the sex addict who uses Schopenhauer to overcome (?). I don't know if he overcomes it. I just like the premise.

I've been listening to some Drake too. I know I know. It just interests me. What a life that guy must have. Worth a $100 milly and can use his albums as advertisement for pussy. That is another fantasy. 20 somethings thinking they can get a piece of that life. Maybe they can. Is that what I am going for? I would love to get some booty calls. I just have to be me though. I've said it or thought it a million times but I am going to have to take the dating route. Now, do I want the dating for a relationship or the dating for fun? Why can't it be both? I date for fun and see where it goes.

I think guys can be very visual. Physical attraction is very important but also how one carries one self. Even a voice can be very sexy.

I think when wanking it is good to have some visuals in mind. Something that spurned the erection in the first place. I don't want to find myself having to search the inventory mid-wank. I never know if shit I don't want to think about finds itself in there. I leave the wank feeling like I'm a bit fucked up.

Sometimes I wonder if not coming to this site anymore would be a great thing for me. Dropping social media has been a positive. I could see dropping this site being the same. I don't know. Something to think about.

Pornography provides the visual and the audio. Some are quite good. Many are not so good but I suppose passable. It has to be pretty bad to click away to another one. You'll have the fake moaning and the slightly contorted sex positions. One has to see the breasts jiggle no? I mean reverse cowgirl has got to be one of the best pornography positions. I've done it IRL (IN REAL LIFE) and it is kind of silly if there isn't a camera in the room. Crazy broads. I guess it is kind of like doggystyle but they are in control. The ass and the back look pretty decent from that angle. Whatever.

Have you understood what life really is? based on our best understanding of all the evidence:

Summary?

I only came relatively quick one time. I think this hooker was really trying to get me off. I was extremely drunk. She was giving me a ferocious blowjob and fingering my prostate and I assume when it got hard enough she jumped on it for a raucous cowgirl. Her breasts were amazing and she was going after it. That mixed with smothering me with her breasts and I was done. Then she took the condom off and swallowed my load. Damn. I guess she was serious about getting future business.

On November 16 2017 16:54 RiKD wrote: Summary?

Yes, that 7 hour YouTube video is the summary

I love Bojack. One of my favorites.

The second time I had sex with that hooker I decided that I was going to fuck her. The first time she fucked me and got me off pretty quick which I am not complaining. She certainly wasn't complaining. So, I decided to go every position I could think of for a while. Something disturbing I remember was I was fucking her doggystyle and I kept catching this glimpse of my lat in the mirror. I was lifting some decent weights at the time and I am fucking this beautiful woman and I am focused on my lat in the mirror. Then me in the mirror. Then me fucking her in the mirror. It's like narcissism city. I never had sex with a hooker after that. It's like I got it out of my system. I mean I really used her up as if she were some sort of highly advanced sex doll. It was fun but I never went back. I was a raging narcissist in my 20s and still probably am. I think hitting bottoms through out alcoholism and bipolar disorder curbed that a bit but hey, here I am posting all these posts in my blog.

Would I go back? I don't know. It would have to be legal I think. Sex is just so much better with strangers that you get to know or don't know very well. Sometimes there is a spark right off the bat and you almost have to have some amazing sex at some point. In some ways it sucks I can not drink or use sex to run or escape. I guess I can use sex to get outside myself but it is a dangerous game. I told a woman that my higher power was her vagina and she was like ich don't think so. If a woman has some good pussy I'll make it my higher power so quick. Something to be aware of. I am probably better off celibate orrrrr I can advance as an Earthling and date and have sexual relations and just live a better life. As the Bojack movie said that will take action. Yes, it will take action.

The Bojack vid reminded me of your blog (and other LP posts). Do you see yourself in there at all?

RiKD I agree with you that you are a narcissist, or at least extremely self absorbed. you write 'blog' posts every few days about yourself and all of details in your life that most normal people would not or shouldn't care about, basically 'cool story bro' posts.

On November 17 2017 08:05 Loco wrote: The Bojack vid reminded me of your blog (and other LP posts). Do you see yourself in there at all?

Yeah. I definitely see myself in there. Getting a girlfriend definitely seems like one of my "endings." Even though there will be good days and bad days and it likely won't work out. Same thing with a "better" job or a "better" living arrangement. Although I think there is more likelihood a good job or a good apartment can work out for as long as it works out. I don't think I live for these endings as much as I used to. I used to live for max fun and pleasure and there was always a hangover. I've told that story of my first one night stand with a beautiful woman which was a lot of fun and pleasurable but after orgasm I just laid in bed feeling empty and alone even though she was sleeping right next to me. Next day I was hungover and depressed all day and then I felt better at some point. Existence can be difficult. It is difficult. That movie is right: there isn't any closure until death. We are just sort of moving along like the graphic of all the characters' ups and downs. I don't know if I should be so hard on myself when I am legitimately depressed. It is going to happen. It sucks. It is very difficult to take action in those spots. I really need to be taking action when I am more up. I also need to manage my depression as best as I can.

I found it hilarious that the "enlightened" looked like a gerbil mentioned helping suffering alcoholics/addicts at the halfway house and how it did not work. I didn't catch that the first time I watched it. That is another "ending" for me. I will just go into this detox and share my story and everything will be ok. Now, that is ongoing because some of those people can start showing up at the meetings and I can continue to help or even become a sponsor which by almost all accounts is a good thing to do. I have had two sponsees. Time spent with them I would not want to be anywhere else in the world but one disappeared and the other after some time moved. The second one is still sober which is awesome and just got his two years which made me happy. He could drink tommorow. I could drink tommorow. There are plenty of people to just help or have a conversation with or I can share my experiences in the meeting or out of the meeting.

Also, like Bojack and many of the other characters, I am incredibly self-centered. Helping people is the only way I have found to get out of that self-centeredness. This blog and subsequent posts seem to be an outlet for all of my self-centeredness, self-absorbed, self-obsessed energies. "The narcissist maintains this self-obsession into adulthood." I am working on it. I see a therapist. I go to a lot of AA meetings. I have people in my life that call me on my shit.

I don't want to just exist. I want to live. And of course that takes action. After all these years of obsessing over what living even means I am still not sure. I still have this idea that bathing in champagne with two beauties is the peak of life even though I know that not to be true. Loco, your post in the getting your shit together thread really illuminates some of the core issues. Then I come home from a day of work and I don't quite feel like reading so I have nothing to do but come to LP but the thing is this is my problem that can be solved. I could watch the latest season of Bojack Horseman. Problem solved. I know I am still just sort of treading water but I have been making great gains in friends at least. Job is ok. I get along well with my parents and it is a cozy house. Things could be worse. Things could be better. I don't know if I can honestly say I am doing the best I can but I think I am darn close. I can't live perfect. That is unattainable and impossible and I don't even want to go there. Chasing after Adonis by Rodin. I don't want to chase. Seek out the right size for this existence. Good enough. Good enough.

On November 17 2017 08:48 Stroggoz wrote: RiKD I agree with you that you are a narcissist, or at least extremely self absorbed. you write 'blog' posts every few days about yourself and all of details in your life that most normal people would not or shouldn't care about, basically 'cool story bro' posts.

Self-absorbed is a good work. I am definitely extremely self-centered. I think LP has become an outlet for these defects of character. I think part of it too is grabbing for relief. If I am bored or stressed it is something to do. I have written some relatively private anecdotes on here. I think I feel better getting them out into the open. Maybe they will be entertaining or people will feel better they aren't as fucked up as me.

And we are back to how to solve the non-endings of job, apartment, girlfriend. I really do think that is an ending some of the time. Maybe most of the time before watching the Bojack video. We've already looped through this a bunch of time but since I do not want to work two jobs the only path is to take action on a "better" job. I don't hate my current job so it is more difficult to really go after another job. My current job allows me to be comfortable living in my parents' house but if things don't change they don't change. Oh well. Most importantly is I am finally meeting people so I need to keep that up.

On November 16 2017 06:48 Silver_nz wrote: Have you understood what life really is? based on our best understanding of all the evidence:

Who is "our"? Scientists? Where can I find that the gene-centered view of evolution is accepted by consensus among them?