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RiKD    United States. Aug 25 2017 23:38. Posts 4226
I have decided that if I really want to quit I need to quit gracefully. Do it the right way. Talk to my manager and give my 2 weeks notice. Everyone says it is easier to find a job when you have a job so I need to up my job search. I have only been working 16-24 hrs. a week last 2 weeks anyways. My brother is in town this week but if it continues that seems to be the obvious play.

I was at the beach today. How I long to be a kid again. Gone are the days of losing myself in boogie boarding, digging a hole, or being given a magical blueberry muffin from the local bakery down the street but this is where I am wrong? What is stopping me from at least body surfing, digging holes, or finding local bakeries with one of a kind pastries? Fun now a days is opening the door to a cute, submissive Japanese girl on her knees in the corner with nothing on but a ball gag. That's not really my fantasy but it is a fantasy. I do like Japanese women sitting on their knees. I don't think I like the ball gag. Anyway, I was turned on living vicariously through Christian Grey. These small brunette women signing non-disclosure agreements and getting into kinky fun. I was thinking like Eva Mendez, Jessica Alba, Asia Argento, Japanese women, really whoever, have fun with it. Is that really just a small part of adult fun? I am not even saying specific BDSM situations. I would bet that most do not really explore a lot of that world. Sadomasochism maybe explored by all to some degree. Who really knows?

There was a young women who couldn't walk who was brought up to the edge of the water on a wheelchair and then she enjoyed the water and the sand. She was quite attractive. It was a joy to watch. Her legs were quite atrophied and she had difficulty moving around but it was beautiful to see. I might have enjoyed that more than living vicariously through the surfers. I don't want to live vicariously through anyone. It is like I used to be a man of action. A traveling gambler and an account man in my 20s. I made shit happen. i travelled around the world winning bets from a laptop and then I made deals in the steel mills. I just prep food now and lead a pretty miserable life. Who do I want to be? I realize I am in my 30s now. It is not the same as my 20s especially since I no longer drink or do drugs. I don't want to lie, I want to live life with integrity, I don't want to drink, I want the side effects of my bipolar mitigated, I want to have friends, I don't want to just have any old friends I want close friends, I won't even talk about the dating and the girlfriend, ... I mean all of that is great. I felt I went in depth on that a lot with Jordan Peterson's future authoring.

I watch a lot of House Hunter's International with my mom. It is fun to see what different real estate is like in Paris, Berlin, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Rome, etc. I have a range of apartments in my head I am just dying to go live in. It just comes down to money. It always comes down to money. I am talking about quitting my job I should not even be talking about apartments, dating, girlfriends, anything. That is why I post blogs and I just want to talk about film. I have to fill the time up somehow. On one hand it is my day off and on the other hand I should be applying to better jobs. I haven't figured that one out yet.

Distractions. Is film a distraction? A needed distraction? I want to figure out who I want to be just like anyone else but I also need something to escape to before I go to the next escape land full of reveries and dreams. Film. The actors, the music, the shots, the storytelling. It is all something I can get lost in. I don't care if it's escape. I don't think that is the kind of distraction we are talking about here though. Work might be a distraction. The fact that I want to make sure to quit the right way or even my back and forth struggle with quitting. I need money. Who do I want to be? Well, I would love to be a guy that makes money on my own terms again like poker. Sure, there was negative variance and then the DOJ but it was nice working on my own terms. If I want to be a workhorse maybe I make a little bit more money but it's not worth it. If I play just a little bit here and there there is just no way to get any semblance of good results. I would love to go into a job interview and say I am only going to work 30 hours a week and for them to be understanding. I want to be self-employed. Now, my whole family is back so there will be distractions out the whazoo. Time to end another blog. I really can shit these things out eh? Shit them out in hopes that I am getting somewhere or maybe it is also just a form of escape but I want to be who I want to be and I need to figure that out by trial and error, experience and reflection, contemplation. There are some things about myself that I can not see and you all can maybe see. I think I have lost that reverie. That oh so dear reverie. Oh, man, I love it like a great croissant and cafe au lait. I don't even know if that makes sense but I love the simplicity of a perfect croissant and cafe au lait or a croque monsier. They bring it out at the perfect temperature always. That is what is really on point. Everything you eat in Paris is at the perfect temperature. The waiters are there when you need them and that is it. No wasted interactions with the men and women acting at being waiters. Let me enjoy my food and conversation and oh dear this blog post is going to get me smoking again. Tobacco just goes so well with everything. Wake up? Smoke. Croissant and cafe au lait? Smoke. Need a break? Smoke. Want to write something? Smoke. Have a wank? Smoke. Have real sex? Smoke. I should not have gone there. Even given all that smoking is pretty horrendous and I am glad I am not doing it but perhaps it is difficult to talk about Paris and food without speaking of smoking. Perhaps it is difficult for me at least.

It makes it sound like my only pleasure is eating and film and by golly that may be true. I certainly don't want to be that guy. This next step from people I am in the area of sometimes to friends I do stuff with has been particularly troublesome here. I could be doing something wrong or just finding myself in the wrong circles or just destined to be some solitary cinephile, francophile weird guy that complains all the time on LP.net. That's really most of who I am these days and I don't want to be that. I need friends to have that balance of laughter and fun stuff and cool stuff and interesting stuff to sometimes I can get a little deeper and complain or worry about something and they will understand. I guess at a bare minimum I will have my therapist soon. I've got a lot of things figured out here but still not how to have a social life. It is a shame and costs me a lot of displeasure. Oh well, I haven't thought about killing myself until just now thinking about how I had not thought about killing myself. Almost a relief. "Oh yes, I can always kill myself." "Oh yes, I can always quit my job. I can even quit it ungracefully. I have only been there 3 weeks." Which goes to a "Fuck my life. I am quitting this shit show job just to have a choice in other shit shot jobs." What I have learned over the years is that it just does not seem like there is a perfect job out there for me. Just shit I have to trudge through to hopefully find something I can pay my bills and not hate. I don't want to be that guy. I think I have been that guy for 3 years now. That sucks. I am having thoughts flood in again about killing myself. Maybe I will spend some time with family and forget about that.

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Loco   Canada. Aug 26 2017 02:24. Posts 18843

I replied in the other blog since you responded to me there.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

Arirang   Canada. Aug 26 2017 11:03. Posts 1665

I read somewhere that our generation is in a bad spot due to lack of purpose. There is no impending doom, no world war to fight. We are becoming more aware that perhaps there is no God, and therefore you cannot rely on divine guidance. You would have to find a purpose for your life in a purposeless world of ours.

Productivity is important. A friend of mine once advised that I should not spend all my time consuming content, but also contribute towards producing stuff. Whatever it may be. Not to discourage you from an channel of expression, but blogs are a cheap thrill. They're easy to create and it grants that nice feel of instant gratification. But I think it might be healthier channeling your creativity into something more real. For example, I don't think there's anything wrong with "being that guy that just enjoys food and films". Why not. If it's something you enjoy, and you are passionate about it, what's the shame in any of that. It's usually a great joy to read or hear someone being passionate about a topic, as long as it's coherent. Maybe you can turn that into something more. A blog, or video essay about films you enjoy on YouTube. Maybe you don't have the essential skillsets to create a great video essay on YouTube. But then you can learn, and that would be a start.

I think you should keep your job for now, unless you have a strong idea of what you want to pursue in life and just go for it. You might feel better about it once you find yourself in a better spot. I think you are just in a really dark place, and I am not really sure if quitting will solve that. People tend to look for reasons to blame when things suck. Maybe you think your job is the issue. But if you were to quit, maybe you'll be miserable without a job, as to miserable with a job.

 Last edit: 26/08/2017 11:04

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 28 2017 04:07. Posts 3576

@Arirang

our generation has plenty of purposeful things to do. You just need to stop having a slave mentality and do it.You say there is no impending doom, but the empirical evidence suggests otherwise. the bulletin for atomic scientists rates us the closest to impending doom in history, except for when the hydrogen bomb was invented. There are plenty of wars to fight as well, you just have to start one.

I was GTO in 2007 -wobbly_auLast edit: 28/08/2017 04:08

iakim322   United States. Aug 29 2017 18:46. Posts 1244

I agree pretty strongly with a lot of Arirang's post

Do you converse with people at your job at all? If not, find any outlet possible where you can interact with people at the end of the day in any fashion before you go back home. Preferably an environment in which you're interested in (maybe a film group?) but if not, just anything. Have to put yourself out there. Personally, I got into working out regularly after work (where I talk to almost no one nor do I want to there) and eventually mindfully became openly friendly and it's honestly often made a tangible difference in the mood I take home. Now, I'll take a Pilates class and have pleasant chit chats afterwards with a small group of 30-40 year old females (I'm 34 now). I'll go play basketball and talk to some kids in their early 20s who remind me of my younger self sometimes. Or I'll swim and go have random life conversations in the steam room afterwards with another swimmer guy I met who's 42 and in ways, is in a wildly different place in life than me with a daughter and all but in other ways, is very similar in that he just recently got out of a long relationship and is just content not thinking about the need for a relationship at this point in time and just wants to work on himself even at 42

There's only so few percentage of people in this world who are fortunate to truly enjoy/love what they do for a living. You're going to have to accept that and try to either incrementally increase the fulfillment you get out of the what you produce at work or mindfully try to connect with people in a real setting, not blogs, no matter what level or how temporary that connection may be. Not to be confused with having a large, mostly cold social network which I always found to be stupid/pointless. Thin but very distinct difference. I guess it does seem like you are aware of this but well...awareness and active pursuit are two very different things


RiKD    United States. Aug 29 2017 23:25. Posts 4226

I could probably right a lot but I will just say I agree with the sentiments. I am at least on day shift (8-4) this week and hopefully that will continue. Trying to work out what I should be doing with my evenings. What combination of exercise, maybe a team sport, tennis, meetup.com groups, AA meetings, etc. I have to do something. I have to stay off the 2nd shift and then do shit in the evenings. Anything. I am going to actually begrudgingly go to an AA meeting because that is all I have to do outside of the house right now. I can't just get frustrated with AA meetings and then not do ANYTHING. Like I was talking about in another blog. I still have my energy. As far as doing stuff that isn't athletics I feel just as good as I did when I was 28. It would be a shame to just write off my 20s as the miserable years where I didn't do anything. Ok. I already talked too much. Cya.


RiKD    United States. Aug 30 2017 00:49. Posts 4226

It just might not be AA this time around which is a topic that has been addressed before. I have to start taking lessons. Cooking lessons, french lessons, sword fighting lessons, start taking BJJ again but it has to be something I am going to seriously do. Biting the bullet and actually utilizing meetup.com. I still want some feedback from someone, anyone that they had a positive experience with it.


Loco   Canada. Aug 30 2017 12:14. Posts 18843

"I still want some feedback from someone, anyone that they had a positive experience with it."

Why? What's the worst that can happen? Just fake that you have a family emergency or something if you need to get out of there and you don't want it to be awkward, though that's probably not going to be necessary. At this point you stand to gain a lot and lose very little by opening up to something like a meetup group. Your doubts are unfounded.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

 





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