How to Move Forward in Life

On August 10 2017 22:10 Joe wrote: Hi, I don't know much about you, but you sound sad. I think really one of the most important things for happiness is having regular (daily?) contact with people you like: friends, colleagues, family, gfs, ... If you feel like you lack contact (your post sounds like it a bit), then go out of your comfort zone to incorporate it into your everyday life. Pursue a new collective hobby (a sport, a game, traveling, movie club, ...), signup for a class of something you are interested in etc., simply incorporate things that you are interested in and that will allow you to regularly meet a group of people (in person). Probably some of those people will have similar interests and views as you. I know I am not saying nothing that you don't know, but maybe it might help to hear it anyway. Or maybe I am way off and you are having a blast reading it, either way is good.

I think I am generally sad. My only contact with people is at work. I am getting to know a fair amount of the people and get on pretty well. One girl commented how sad I looked when I was cutting the mozzarella cheese and I looked sad because I was sad! I do my best to stay upbeat but cutting mozzarella for over 3 hours is just not a fun task.

Your post helps illuminate one of my biggest problems: the second shift (3pm-midnight). I can't do anything on this shift. It is possible to wake up earlier and do stuff before the shift as some things happen around noon but nothing in this town is happening past midnight. I don't drink or do drugs anymore so I am not really out after midnight either so I am just stuck in my home. I fucking regret telling the GM I wanted 2nd shift. Fucking bonehead play.

On August 11 2017 00:39 SleepyHead wrote: Keep looking for new jobs that would suit you better. Find some cushy office 9-5 with lots of sexy girls working there

The problem is I have not done well in office 9-5 in the past. It really limits me. If there really was an office gig with funny, entertaining women there I would give it a shot for sure.

Yea culinary industry seems like a great fit for you. Stick with it imo.

And this morning I am calm and rather collected. Maybe I am not quite awake yet. I've had some time pass, a hot shower, some coffee. I don't mind the fact that I will be going into work. I like my manager and many of the people who work there. The second shift is problematic to my life though. Last night I cooled down and enjoyed a novel. I want to embark on a project: "A Blueprint So That Life Does Not Suck." It is entirely too ambitious for myself. How many things are general to the population and how many things are specific to the individual? Are there people in poverty who have reached acceptance with their lot in life? I guess where I am at with myself is I have lived years far from poverty. I want those years back. That is really the truth. I want THOSE years back. Of course, I want future years not in poverty as well. A lot of it has to do with the friends situation. I was in poverty for the last 3 years but I had friends. I also was comparing that time to being miserable in the grips of a job and situation not for me that surely encouraged my alcoholism. I felt free with almost nothing. Now I feel like I am in the midst of a grind. It is a fucking grind. Anytime sleep is the favorite part of the day there is a problem. The ramblings of a discontented fellow continue. They say I should be grateful, lower my expectations, deal with my resentments. The problems with gratitude are in many circles it always boils down to being grateful for "God." I am grateful for a solid night's rest in my wonderful bed, my breakfast this morning, my dog, my cats. That really is a great foundation. I am grateful for not experiencing any nagging pains. It may be working. I am feeling a bit better about my lot in life. Surely, I should exercise, hang out with friends and family, and help people when I can. At work I am preparing tasty bites for people. I don't know how that really makes me feel. It is better than stealing or smuggling drugs.

I don't know why I write so much about this stuff. It makes me feel better. Sometimes I can see things more clearly. It gives me something to do. I don't want to be a discontented person. I don't want to be bitter, resentful, or afraid. I fear I will be stuck at this job at this shift for many days. How do I overcome this fear? Ask the GM to work mornings or find another job. A third option could be to somehow find acceptance with the situation.

See if I stop writing I have to find something else to do. Well, here goes.

On August 11 2017 15:59 hiems wrote: Yea culinary industry seems like a great fit for you. Stick with it imo.

Why do you say this?

Well I could go on why I think so but you need to stop overanalyzing and relax so no, lol. Gl.

I think everybody in general needs to adopt a grateful to be alive attitude. Enjoy the taste of the coffee a little more than others. Take an extra minute in the hot shower and realize there are people who don't have hot showers. Train yourself to be happy with the free things in life, like air. Take in a deep breath and notice the things around you. Not having wealth, status, fame is an excuse to be unhappy. Figure out how to eat for cheap and save what you can. Once you save a sufficient amount, take a vacation! Or read books on how to grow that little sum into a larger sum, which will give you a little freedom. Build on this empire until the day you die and see where the journey takes you! Writing this reminds me that I need to do this more myself so thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

This morning I lay in bed for 2 hours as my snooze alarm went off every 10 min. What kind of maniac does that? I don't really mind taking care of my pets but the laborious nature of brushing my teeth. I hate showers until I get in and start feeling a little better. The exact nature of putting on deodorant and clothes is a bore. Then I have seemingly one of the joys of the day. Pastry and coffee. This always cheers me up. Then it is outside to water the plants. The tomatoes aren't looking so good. Then I have some downtime which I use to typically write on LP. The caffeine starts kicking in and I am feeling good about the day. I even feel great driving in to work listening to good music. Typically I will have a song in my head and then I go right to that song for the dopamine boost. Otherwise the Rolling Stones or Radiohead are probably my default. At work there are some people that make me laugh. How great it is to laugh. I may derive some joy if I am particularly adept at a certain recipe or part of a recipe. It feels good to cross off a task on the white board. That's it pretty much. I always end up taking out more trash than I would like to but that is because I am tall and male and most people in the place are short and female. Off course that mundane routine shows itself again when it is time for cleaning, sweeping, and mopping. I always enjoy the drive home listening to Bebel Gilberto or Royksopp or Al Green. Food is always a problem unless I have left overs. Who wants to grocery shop and cook past midnight after a long day of work? I have to do something. Eating cereal for dinner makes me sad. One thing I have realized is that if I have something scheduled in I will rebel and become unhappy. If the "schedule" is "x" movie at 1:30am I will not want to watch the movie and then just sit in a swamp of hate. If it is 1:30am and I spontaneously desire to watch a movie or read a novel then the adventure begins.

I think that making friends, connections, getting a girlfriend, etc - all those social goals are important but I believe that they should not be rushed and you should not feel like you have to have them at the moment. Obviously they enrich one's quality of life but I believe that basic happiness has to be achieved first - basic just meaning reaching those standard personal goals you have set for yourself - goals that don't involve anyone else. Making an income...improving job situation...getting an apartment. All those are actually social goals as well and I think they should be your main focus and all your work and energy should go into them and then, after they are established and you continue to improve them, then the other things will start to fall into place more easily (not only that but you will likely then make better social connections). Would be a good idea to spend free time on learning something or more specifically something in your current field, Ofc we all need entertainment as well and ofc all of this depends on one's personality type. Just my ideas based on your initial post..have not read thru the thread yet.

Sounds like you've read a lot of existential type of stuff

This whole move forward thing. I am just happy to be not drinking and that my moods are stable. I have been doing a lot of cooking recently... well, not a lot but I think a bit more due to my prep cook job. It is like I am inspired to make myself some better food than just sandwiches I can get at a grocery store. I used to love drinking and cooking. Open a nice bottle of wine and have a few glasses while I am cooking and tasting. Maybe open another bottle with dinner. I need a swig with each bite. Some cognac with some gelato for dessert and just continuing on with the cognac until I pass out. Sometimes I miss that ease and comfort. Unfortunately it is no longer there for me. I have to face life sober and square on.

At least I am clocked out for a couple of days. I think about quitting everyday I am there. It's a fucking mess. I overheard the kitchen manager talking about leaving. The kitchen manager I like and is part of the reason I have not quit. I just come home and try to unwind and hope the next day will be better. That is part of where I am at with all of this. Sometimes I just need to slow down. I am not going to get everything done on the task list in 1 hour. I left about 3 things on there tonight because there was just nothing that could have been done. I am prepping as best as I can. Part of this is the post above me. It is true I am not going to get all this social stuff overnight. It still doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little bit that those things are not in my life today. Instead of going to a diner and blowing off some steam with some friends I have to come home and just be inside my house. What is there to do in my house? There are some things and that is what I am resigned to every night. It gets old but that is my place in the here and now.

I just had some Haagen Daz ice cream that was incredible. Salted caramel and truffle. That pleasure maybe lasted a few minutes. My feet are still aching from today's work. That is what I am talking about with the unfairness in pain versus pleasure. I could really go for a ton of opiates about now. That whole pill racket is really sad but I get it.

I just remembered I had my cat locked up because he will scarf down his food and then run and scarf down all of the other cat's food. I walked by some pictures of me when I was younger and I couldn't help but be caught by how relaxed and happy I seem. That is how I remember it too. Just very happy and relaxed. Now, it just seems I am beaten down and sad. I need a therapist bad. A therapist and a good (AA) sponsor. Yeah, that really is part of it. I think my insurance is finally up to date so I can hopefully start with a therapist next month. Sponsors are trickier. I haven't really found someone that I would want. I am probably a little picky since I have my original sponsor back in Pittsburgh, PA who is just a call away. It would probably be ideal to set something up here though because I can really see it as lacking in my life or maybe not. I need something because it sucks to be this discontented with my existence. At least I can sleep in tomorrow and be on my time. That might help. At the moment I only work 24 hours next week and I don't even care.

I came to the realization that I have a fantasy lurking in my brain. I want to fuck a 19 year old co-worker. I think the sullyness of it adds to the allure. Sullyness is not a word but it should be so I am using it. What do we do with these lurking fantasies? I guess we just let them sit there and hopefully not fester. It's all these desires. I satisfy one and get agitated by another. Material desires are probably the worst for this but maybe I am exaggerating. I bought a really nice bed and I didn't want another bed. I bought a really nice couch and I didn't want another couch. I bought a really nice laptop and I have had it for 8 years with no desire of getting a new one. I bought my handful of black t-shirts and do not wish to be wearing anything else. Except for summer weddings where I wish to be wearing an Indian kurta. Of course, I want a super car out in the country somewhere or a track but that is so unrealistic at this point it does not really bother me. My old Subaru Forester does just find getting me from point A to point B. I don't want to make it seem like I should just fuck this 19 year old and then my desires will be settled. I don't think it carries over to that realm. There are just too many beautiful women on this earth. I still want to fuck them all. It is an understandable desire but now at least I have a little more grounds for what is realistic. What is a realistic expectation? A lot of women in their 20s are quite immature and kind of difficult to deal with. Actually, not really if I just understand what they are doing and not give a fuck. There is something about a late teen to early 20 something that they just have a certain magic. It is like the conscious and the subconscious urges the body knowing their body is at its peak. As far as being interesting and self assured the women in their 30s have most women in their 20s beat. It's understandable. There is more honesty. I am drawn to both really. Women in their 40s come with even more self assurance and honesty. I have been blown away by that in the past. I was the silly, entertaining 20 something boy toy being played with by a real cougar. I am not going to fuck any 19 year old co-workers. They just have some growing up to do. There are too many women out there to mess around in those sort of affairs. I prefer the cougar relationships. I still long for a relatively normal relationship. I have a long way to go but I am ok with slowing down the pace a little bit and just trying to enjoy life. Many times it is just going to have to be the little things. Like a walk on the beach with the dog. That's my current relationship. Just me and my dog. I think at times I just need to talk about my (lack of a) dating life so I can figure some things out or just to get it out of the system.

Desires I think is expressed well on this NIN song starting at 4:20. I would suggest just listening to the whole song though. It has been a song that I relate to my whole life.



Then I was listening to OK Computer as I was driving home from work and cooking and this struck me as I started eating. Just the whole vibe and the message "Hey man, slow down, slow down, Idiot slow down, slow down" is exactly what I needed after trying to do everything at work and speeding home. I had a nice Italian meal all set up and there is no sense mindlessly gobbling down tortellinis 2 and 3 at a time. It is a metaphor for life. There is a famous restaurant in Italy that makes a famous tortellini. They make 6 tortellini in a line with some sauce on the side so everyone is forced to savor each tortellini. I like that way of living. It is not always easy to find in the US. "The Tourist" takes me to that place where much comes into perspective.



I am definitely born in 1984. Next songs will be Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins.

When I enter a reverie writing or dazing off to the Monet above my laptop it is all the same. I must go to Giverny some day. A stroll through Monet's garden. There is a museum in Paris that I am in love with. La Orangerie. All impressionist painters with a Rodin's "The Kiss" out front. They custom made the building to accommodate Monet's large scale paintings. I could just be there for an hour or more just taking it all in. The Luvre is almost too much. I only really enjoyed Michaelangelo's sculptures. I drove someone for Uber from Paris and he was saying you have to just spent random bits of time in each area. He was a student at the time and got in free. Oh, to be a student in Paris. Stroll through the Luvre gardens and pop in for a mini-adventure.

I really think I need to develop more of a French and Danish outlook on life. It may be difficult to do living in the US but I am sure it could be done. As long as I am paying my bills what is wrong with working 30 hours in a week? What is wrong with taking time off for vacation? I just have to make sure that my time off the clock is worthwhile. I don't want any part of any rat races.

It was fun folks. Au revoir.

Anyone ever leave kind of a weird voice message and it is just like "Awww man, that was kind of a weird one"? Nothing really to worry about too much it was not a disaster but if I make a habit of leaving voicemails like that I don't want to be some weird guy that leaves weird voice messages. Oh well, life goes on. A life full of weird voice messages and awkward encounters. Maybe Sartre was right that "hell is other people." I need some fresh air.

Today is the anniversary of my friend Steve dying from a heroin overdose. He just could never seem to get it. Heck of a good guy when he was sober he turned devilish when he was using drugs and experiencing the sickness associated with that. The last time I saw him we had some deep conversation and he offered to fix my broken headlight. There was always promise but maybe AA just was not for him. He could never reconcile the whole god thing and I don't blame him. It sucks to go through life discontented but I think much of us do. There is a certain next level of discontentedness and proclivity to anesthetize that leads to a drug or a drinking problem. I think it is fair to say a lack of connection is one of the leading causes. I have been kind of feeling that discontentment lately and that disconnection and I don't think it is about needing to buck up or anything like that. What I need is strategic changes. They are already somewhat clear and I have already made them clear. Work the day shift, exercise, take some classes in something whether it is French or painting or cooking, put myself out there because I never know what kind of connection can be made. I was speaking to a friend yesterday about that. He moved to Oregon and knew no one there and went to a solar energy seminar and met one of his best friends and the guy that got him a job for 3 years and helped him get into architectural school. If I am really unhappy and even borderline miserable I have to change some things. That is the only way to get out of a rut. I don't like the idea of getting used to misery.

Heroin must be one hell of a drug. I never tried it. In some ways I regret that although I can imagine the hell heroin use opens up. I can always still try it if that's what I really want to do. Right now that sounds like a really bad idea. I would rather go for a walk on the beach, hang out with the free thinker group, and have a nice dinner with my parents. I complain a lot about not having connections but my Mondays are pretty good. I really had a nice phone conversation yesterday too. Sprinkle in some more of those, start meeting some more people, and exercise and maybe I can stave off the discontentedness.

I've been thinking of how to move forward in life a lot lately. Every time I think "what should I be doing with my life?" I seem to come up empty. Brick wall. I have so many aversions, and the idea of joining the world -- a world I detest -- in order to accomplish some project or slave away repulses me. But, I have come to realize the reason it's not going anywhere is because I was thinking of what to do with my life, and not of who I want to be. And this seems to be the most important thing. If I focus on who I want to be -- truly focus -- without distracting myself, I think I can have faith in the process itself to help me find what I am going to be doing. It's going to happen on its own. One thing's for sure, if I stay the same, my world will stay the same, my opportunities will stay the same.


Kafka said that evil is whatever distracts. I believe that there's truly no excuse for distraction. So, there's more to an 'enlightened agenda' than the focus on suffering and wanting to prevent it and reduce it, even though this can be included within it. Distractions and certainties are enormous enemies, right up there with unnecessary suffering. It's easy to understand why or how we are distracted, and how it will take time to fix itself, but it can be done, no doubt about it. So, that's the task, if you ask me, and virtually everything else is noise. Peterson is at least right about that: the idea of cleaning your room, controlling your immediate environment wherever you can so as to facilitate learning, leisure, the becoming of the person you wish to be.

Certainties?

What exactly do you mean by distractions too?

I mean certainties that are based on error and illusion, or at least don't account for the possibility of error and illusion with all knowledge. Which is the case for most of the things human beings are certain about. Certainties that lead to doing ignoble things, in the name of a truth, but also just personal belief systems that are based on prejudice and error and which prevent someone from growing intellectually. Certainties that lead one to think in a loop, to search for nothing else but what confirms one's own views.

By distractions, I'm talking about things we use specifically to avoid doing what we know we should be doing. I'm not thinking everything that isn't 'work' per se is a distraction. I'm not including leisure activities that enrich us and foster a sense of peace within us. They are not distractions, they are part of being a functional, healthy human being. Human beings are playful creatures, they are not machines.

We all have a causa sui project. In Becker, this has to do with immortality projects, but I'm not really using it in that way. More in a Spinozian sense, an idea of becoming. We thrive when we do things that align with the vision of who we wish we were. For people with low intellect, it generally suffices to simply become what was expected of them from their culture and their parents. Their becoming is intrisically linked to what it is they do. Others who are more self-aware and who avoided the typical cultural imprinting have no such luck and are left to figure it all out for themselves. What they do (for survival) generally has nothing to do with who they want to become, in today's world. It's just a means to an end. That makes life helllish.

There's also a constant struggle with the herd instinct. Even when the herd isn't present, and you are on your own, they are still there. We don't want to think thoughts that will prevent us from co-existing with 'normal' people for very long, by fear of how alienated we would feel in social situations and how we would be treated. So, distractions is what we find ourselves attracted towards to protect our psyches, but also potentially our bodily integrity. People have always reacted with hostility and violence towards those who stood out. It's programmed into us, for self-preservation purposes, not to do so. We constantly limit ourselves unconsciously for people who do not have a single care for us, but for whom we are competition. We don't want to go too far by fear that there is no going back, and by fear that it's preferable to be blue pilled if we have to live in this world. I think that's why we distract ourselves so much, but it's also because we've been sold the materialistic-consumerist narrative, and we're bombarded and manipulated for profit constantly. That's why it has never been more important to read than it is today.

I do agree that if I don't change in some ways my opportunities do not change even if that change is seeking opportunities better or more fervently. Anymore, I just don't know if the word fervently and me really go together all that well which means I am going to be lacking in that area when it comes to survival. Enthusiastic and passionate go hand and hand with causa sui projects that as you said it is more difficult to find lacking in typical cultural imprinting. It is what we do for typically 40 hours a week, I have to talk about it with strangers I have just met, I guess vocation will always be a large part of who we are even if we do not like that fact (which can make life hellish).

Posting on LP could be considered distraction but I do not see how that can be the case if it is helping me work through who I want to be. Facebook is distraction for sure. I should really look to get off that thing but I am attached. The messaging function and keeping in touch with people and the occasional stimulating times on facebook make it seem worth it.Twitter, most of the time YouTube, these are definitely distractions.

The idea that "God" is looking out for us and watching over us and giving us nothing we can't handle and that "His" will is the best (and only) will for us is quite a certainty. That is the first one that came to mind. That delusion probably makes their lives easier in some ways but it has to be a very strong delusion. As far as becoming who they want to be it is hard not to just become a Jesus freak going down that road. There are worse things I suppose.

I think we crave distraction like the crack head craves crack. My brother bought a house that is too big for his family. That is subjective but I mean him and my mom were talking about lamps and tables for like 30 min. He feels he has to fill up the space in the house and he is having a difficult time doing that but it is also distraction. What kind of lamp? What kind of table? There are millions of lamps and tables. What one represents me? Represents the room? What combination will give it the feel I want? What will my friends think? I think he bought the large house because that is what him and his wife thought they wanted to be. Both of them are very much culturally imprinted and I think part of their causa sui project was simply to make a lot of money at something more or less respectable, buy a large home with a white picket fence, and have a child. I don't think I would ever hang out with my brother if he weren't my brother simply because I would never see him. He would be back home ordering take out, taking care of the kid, and watching a movie. I would be making something for myself, hanging out on LP, and watching a film. It is probably a bit pretentious to make a distinction between movie and film but if he is watching some comic book movie and I am watching 2001: Space Odyssey I will make that distinction.

Oh well, I wanted to tie in my normie brother into normies on a broader spectrum and more on the herd instinct but I have to go. My brother is very much in with the herd but he is still a great guy I always have a good time with. Being on the outskirts we will attract other people on the outskirts as well. They are out there but we may not be as socially open as others. What I am saying is of course people not in the herd do exist and other people who are a bit caught up in the herd but are aware of it or who are good, fun people. We will always become closest with the ones not in the herd and unfortunately I think they are the most difficult to meet. For me it is others who go to AA but talk shit on AA, religion, culture that we seem to get that immediate bond that grows more over time. I do not know where to find it outside of those circles. LP is a great place for that but unfortunately we are all over the world.

You don't really expect hostility or violence do you? I mean going to a neo-Nazi rally as a black man in a "Fuck Nazis" t-shirt will get hostility and violence but going to a normie cocktail party as someone outside of the herd will not be so bad. Many normies are quite good at small talk and extracting something out that both parties have in common. The ones that aren't there is just some listening involved maybe some comments and moving on. People do get very offended if one does not say anything and comes and goes with out saying "hello" and "good bye." It is pretty horrible to get caught by that guy that can seemingly only talk about the weather, college football, and Christianity. He is in his element when meeting others like him but it has always been hard for me to keep it together when encountering someone like that. The worst that can happen is people can say, "Well, that guy was kind of weird and didn't seem to enjoy himself. We just won't invite him to the next one." I am not really ever going to end up going to something like that anyways but even a shitty bourgeoisie event like that there won't be any hostility or violence just misunderstandings and non-compatibility. Now, attending an event like that and not having other friends outside the herd to laugh and joke about it I may wish for a blue pill or I may just go further into isolation. There can always be that connection with the philosopher or the artist. To climb a mountain of imagination and invention with the skilled author is to dance in the stars. The familiar tingle of the spine is always welcome.

How brutal is it to just not have anything in common with someone and the lack of patience to maybe find out more? I find that there are certain traits in people where I almost immediately disqualify them to want to know anymore. I actually don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think I have really missed out because of that. I even have some of my vulgarian outfits that I am programmed and expected to wear at some of these bourgeoisie normie affiars. I don't have the balls or the status to wear jeans and a t-shirt. That is all part of the materialistic-consumerist bullshit as well. Most people are just trying to fit in and then there are the others that are trying to fit in but stick out in a way. It is all well and good to be unique but can you really be unique in a suit and tie? Actually, a guy wearing a purple tuxedo is very likely to be awesome. The fashion industry sucks and makes me want to vomit. Many industries do. I need people in my life that share these sentiments or else I am in trouble. I am back to that wishing for a blue pill or moving further into isolation but you are right in that reading is a great asset whether we are venturing into the herd or in seclusion in the mountains and anywhere in between. It is the great protector and nurturer of our minds.

You can keep the messaging feature of Facebook while not having a Facebook page. They're two separate things now. But you'll be surprised how few people actually keep in touch once you deactivate your page. I did it last March. Not one single person contacted me asking me about it since. I just had some discussion with my family about it and that's it. It's been 100% one of the best things I have ever done, and I'm never going to go back on it. I'd rather be completely isolated, miserable for a while and pushed towards action by necessity than dwell inside the illusion of having friends online through that shallow and narcissistic medium. To get around the "fear of missing out" psychological issue, as well as practical matters, I made a new Facebook profile but I didn't add anyone on it, in fact I put a warning that I'm not using Facebook in the intro box in case people try to add me. Problem solved.