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RiKD    United States. May 28 2017 02:01. Posts 3911
It is one of those moments in which I am called to write. So I do. I am officially moved in to my new location in Charleston, SC to a house full of boxes as of Tuesday. These boxes have been a travel through time. I find myself listening to a playlist from 2014 as I went more and more psychotic and alcoholic. Man, that was a rough time. I am giving away gaudy sweatshirts I was thrilled with and buying in succession in a time of hyper mania. Sometimes I am reminded that I have a serious mental illness. So, I do not have a doctor or a therapist and I have not really been going to many meetings down here. I think my only way out of suffering is to take on more responsibility. That is calling up on Medicaid, that is opening up a bank account so that my parents can pay my bills so that I can one day pay my bills. I am back in that zone. I think those 2 things get accomplished and a driver's license it is really time to just get back on the job hunt and actually all of this should be happening at the same time. It's like I am waiting to get all my AA meeting and fellowship all in line and it is just not going to happen on any short of a timeline. I much prefer walks on the beach and really it seems like anything at this point to AA meetings. That is not entirely true but it sucks not having any friends near by. Like I said in another thread though, I get to cleaning up these boxes and putting things in order and the suffering goes a way. I am overcoming the burdens of being! I get an occupation and the fragility of life seems a little less severe. I help someone at an AA meeting and the pangs of pain I may have felt an hour prior have dissipated. Maybe I am just happy on a limited amount of responsibility. To get my own place and to be in a romantic relationship takes new levels of responsibility. I think most would say it is fruitful. That is certainly one of my aims in life. It keeps coming back to me that my main aim in life is to help the suffering. The first occupations that pop out for that are therapist, monk, priest. It is like I want to go right to it. Fuck being a chef. Why do I want to help the middle class with there foodie bullshit gluttony? Why would I want to help multinational corporations with their share price? Ugh. I write this blog like every 3 months. My conscience is screaming at me to search for some jobs. Indeed.com here I come. Mother fucker I would rather write about burning the world to the ground or jumping off bridges!

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SleepyHead   . May 28 2017 02:17. Posts 784

Good luck brother

How do you have a full house wtf - traxamillion 

RiKD    United States. May 28 2017 02:29. Posts 3911

Do people still use LinkedIn? I have only gotten pretty shitty leads from there. The site kind of gives me the heeby jeebies. I think I need to be working in a kitchen somewhere prepping some food or going back for a worthwhile degree. I told a friend last week I never want to wear khakis again. I don't know if that was genuine. No, I really don't want to wear khakis ever again. I suppose that doesn't mean I won't. Fuck. Fuck it all to hell. On the bright side my resume isn't horrible but there are just too many fucking jobs to look at and I don't even know how I want to edit my search at this point. I don't want to murder anyone or take a shotgun blast to the mouth so I must be doing something right.


SleepyHead   . May 28 2017 03:54. Posts 784

As an almost broke poker pro, I'm in the same boat as you. I've been sending out my resume to lots of places and I have an interview at a staffing agency next week.

How do you have a full house wtf - traxamillion 

PuertoRican   United States. May 28 2017 06:20. Posts 10303

Rekrul is a newb 

Raidern   Brasil. May 28 2017 15:59. Posts 4116

GL, man. Btw what does 'wearing khakis' mean? I googled it and this is what i got

im a regular at nl5 

RiKD    United States. May 28 2017 18:10. Posts 3911


  On May 28 2017 02:54 SleepyHead wrote:
As an almost broke poker pro, I'm in the same boat as you. I've been sending out my resume to lots of places and I have an interview at a staffing agency next week.



Good luck man. I was living the high life or as high as a life as I get these days. Life as an alcoholic socialite, vacations, marriage celebrations, travel and the whole nine on my parent's dime. Now, again, it is back to reality. Back to the trudge that is a job search. I suppose it is best to just do a little bit each day. What is worrisome is I don't have any friends here to help take away some of that pain. I suppose as long as I am living on good conscience it does not matter how many callbacks or interviews I get. I have to remain authentic and truthful under any duress. If not it will basically always get back to me. I remember my last serious job I exaggerated on my resume and got some help from higher ups. A pretty classic case of nepotism. Oh, it came back to bite me alright. I am still smarting to this day. This day that I am sitting here typing that the last and only serious job I ever had was thanks to nepotism. What the hell am I qualified to do anyway? Opening boxes and straightening things up? It is like I have no usable identity. I don't fit into any box. If only I wanted to wear khakis and suck corporate cock. How nice it would be to fall nicely into place as an "Electrical Engineer." Hi, my name is Richard and I got a 3.6 gpa at Big State University in electrical engineering. I worked 3 years at Stupidly Large Corporation in electrical engineering and did this then I got promoted to "Senior Electrical Engineer." Oh well, I am not here to denigrate electrical engineers. I am perhaps jealous but it was not possible. I am a humanities guy always concerned with how to live life that got really addicted to poker. There has got to be a place for me somewhere. How can I even trust the humanities at university? That may be my fate. Working transient jobs that barely get me by and reading Dostoevsky and Nietzsche on my own time. I crave discussing some of this stuff. Writing about it. Speaking about it but going to university? What is the end? Shelling out all these dollars and this time for what? Ok. I am done talking about it for now.


RiKD    United States. May 28 2017 18:44. Posts 3911

Going through some boxes and finding the laptop I punched to death because I decided to log on and lose money in tortuous ways instead of going out with jovial friends to eat great sushi was a sign of the times for me. I think I scared my neighbor that day with all of the cursing from hell. It was as if I was possessed by a demon with a seriously sadistic sense of humor. On a mission to destroy all of my perfectly functional and capable laptops it was the great Guy Laliberte that finally busted me. There was no real anger. Just a solemn understanding that I had just completely decimated my bankroll and it was finally officially busto. I still had money on the side. Money I would live on for 2 years. I would even go on to play again and do quite well but I was never the same. It was time to move on.

I am doing my best man. I am doing my best. I think the meaning that tends to stick is end my suffering so I can help with the suffering of others. Helping with the suffering of others ends my suffering and helping my suffering impacts all levels of humanity.

I don't think I ever really acknowledge the fact that I found myself in a pretty serious gambling problem. The fact I was fighting through undiagnosed mental illness my whole career is a trip too. There would be weeks where I could barely get out of bed let alone play any poker and there would be weeks where my manic super powers would pile up chips sky high. When I was the right amount of manic it was like no one could beat me.

So, I trudge. So many demons. There is light in this world. All I can do is follow the path that is illuminated. We trudge and we trudge and we trudge. There better be some time for dance and butterflies and pink skies.

I resent my mental illness. It has caused me so much hardship in my life. We all have hardship. I should be grateful for being alive. I have so much opportunity but it just does not feel that way. There are so many hours in a day to do great things and it is like I want no part in it. Why am I even writing all of this? To deal with existence. How do I live this life? I can't even type in a job type in indeed.com because I don't even know where to start.

This is awful. I should have just kept this as an anecdote about how I came across my laptop that I destroyed in anger and went broke.


RiKD    United States. May 28 2017 18:47. Posts 3911


  On May 28 2017 14:59 Raidern wrote:
GL, man. Btw what does 'wearing khakis' mean? I googled it and this is what i got



I am moving to Brazil if they do not know what khakis are. I have thought about it many times but that would be a game changer.


Nitewin   United States. May 28 2017 18:58. Posts 807

How about a part time grind to get by while learning at freecodecamp dot com?

Build up your body with nutritious food and workout. That'll keep you "naturally" happy. Be happy from within and don't seek outside sources.

Skip the alcohol, junk food, and friends. You're a monk. You can do without those. Also stop the negative talk, such as hating on the wealthy, and focus on positives.

Your job is now to grind and add little healthy/happy habits to your routine day by day, and grow from a fallen warrior to a God.

Good luck man, I've been there too.

 Last edit: 28/05/2017 19:00

 





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