We Can Lead Lives of Dignity and Authenticity

lol it depeneds on where you live. there are a lot of "foundation towns" where people who took drugs during after or before traumatic events go to work on the world after bad things have happened. since i come from a foundation town it's sort of weird. a lot of foundation towns are near rural areas where there are traditional cultures like "satanic culture" or judeo-christian counter culture. most of the people from those counterculture regions are pretty cool (since you are moving you might see something like ths).

most like bible belt areas for instance are pretty deeply satanic (which is bad). satanism is sort of a naive countercultural movement that either embraces or disregards other religions from the main religion (christianity). so it is more of a christianity-offshoot with influences from other ares. it's sort of weird. your average bible beltian is sort of like a member of TOOL or some other band that (we perceive) that the rest of the world perceives as really egregious, but since almost everyone is like that "hardcore" here it's not necessarily that great.

it's hard for people from these areas to find work (for instance) becaues they're deeply steeped in the esoteric countercultural practice. like one of my close friends from high school would routinely go to witches graveyard have wild orgies commit bizarre sadomasochism and take drugs while in high school. lol i later dated her briefly but it was pretty low key.

now when i lookback i probably woulnd't date someone like that at present because it seems highly risk-loving. but tohse are just the kind of people who are all over the place here, which i think is what makes the foundation life so interesting. you wonder for instance how a bunch of bill gates equivalents never achieve anything (personally i don't know). but these foundations accrue a bunch of these guys with 160 IQ and roughly equivalent education to Bill Gates (without per se the opportunities) then they work a way in (utter sobriety) we assume for the rest of their lives.

it's really bizarre and i'm sure there's stuff like this all over the world in niche communities. personally i don't really like the counterculture stuff at present because i think it's dangerous to your wellbeing, which i'm sincere about, of course, because i think there's something to the bill gate sphenomenon. like obviously this guy took advantage of various stuff, other peoples' ideas, and so on, and created microsoft, got into trouble, etc.etc. but it did manifest a lot of results that are "certainly good for society" whereas even these kind of foundation members (who we assume are doing much the same thing) seem like sort of backwards villains ala Terran....

i don't really think I believe that they're really backwards villains trying to overthrow Bill Gates and similar guys who have apparently done a lot for society. i think they're probably motivated by normal human instincts at first and are suspicious of guys like bill gates for reasons like opportunity and so on... but we don't really know enough about how the opportunities manifest or what they mean. bill gates could be great for society, he might be the ideal money-spender in his natural character. there are a lot of places where itmight be right to be suspicious of a guy like Bill Gates (like Russia for instance with Vladmir Putin)... but the united states seems like a society with pretty good checks and balances (so however powerful Bill Gates is) he doesn't seem that powerful when you watch him on youtube. lol

a lot of poeple dont' like being from foundation-type towns where it feels like the "government" is this all powerful middle class of grinders who are like arena infinite. "well i work 40 hours a week, plus twenty or thirty bonus home hours, i have all the stats of the best players and the only weakness is i don't use drugs directly..." i mean speaking as a kid there's not much incentive in that situation "so you work perfectly, you do everything perfectly you have perfect stats and you make like 100k a year at the university"... there seems to be really no way to unseat these players and literally every adult here has the same description.. "infinite arena, 60-80 hour work weeks, perfect stats, part of the university / higher education collective of medical workers, tech workers, and activitists". it's like there's no way to possibly break the "foundation" ceiling without quasi-miraculous events happening, and the only real downward pressure seems to be the "foundation" ethic of existing in a "backwater with surfs and a broken down monastery".

this may seem good/bad but it's not really pleasant because it's feels like a PvP-only meatgrinder where you can't defeat any of the elite players or ever really hope to without escaping to some other destination. i feel like i'm not the only person or rather part of a large group of people who live here and feel this way, but i could be wrong

like personally all i've wanted for the last year was the right to smoke weed and go to the gym regularly, and they're not gonna let me do that. i had to surrogate "death" on SSRIs, DXM (and other over-the-counter medications), get bed-arrest, go to the hospital, and finally connect with these chinese grinders in Shanghai to get enough energy to go to the gym, and i'm still not allowed to smoke weed. it sounds fun and epic, but i really don't like this place that much and just want to retire from the foundation.

now i'm meditating and going to the gym but i feel sick from all these experiments that i was part of. the foundation is trying to use anti-psychotics (which are a sort of entropy marijauana) to defeat various entropic effects of drug use and so on, and somehow i ended up in this experiment unintentionally. i don't really feel like i opted in or out of this experience but i don't really likeit. to be honest i'm doing a lot better than before but these have been some really frustrated / aggravating slow years fighting the power locally, ending up in hospitals, asylums, and all sorts of shit with mental turbulence. lol.

i guess i like them but these guys are really frustrating and a lot of days i just want to enjoy my time on earth and not worry about the foundation's global goals (which is really just a university of drug addicts rehabilitating themselves). again i feel like they're making a lot of progress and we're just throwing up various smoke signals but i'm personally glad to be finally getting away from them. the rosy optimism of the shanghai grinders seems a lot more enjoyable and striaghtforward to me that continuing with the "effort grind" of the local university. i just don't really agree witht he effort grind and i think there are too many side effects of being "try hard"

the shanghai grinders are rosy optimists who remind of poker players and seem to be a good influence on me. i think there are too many sacrifices at the local level trying to increase the baseline IRL human and should just accept the use of performance enhancing substances like marijuana / LSD / hash and so on. if anything there seems to be a double standard of rehabilitating drug users versus unindoctrinated students, but then there's also the countercultural element of the satanists and so on.

in short i think i'd be better equipped for all the local PvP meatgrinder if i had a few years to myself exercising, meditating, and smoking hash but working that through the endless bureaucracy seems really tedious. it doesn't help that i'm flagged with all sorts of "psychosis-related" stuff, which (in my opinion) is unfair because only drugs can induce psychosis. a lot of the time it seems like a personality conflict between myself and the university and the town here generally. it's easy to feel that there's abuse of power between flagging me as psychotic and so on and the loyalty of the city to help me from its roots standpoint. personally i think this is one of the reasons that the academic community should have larger salaries and feel more responsible for itself because if all the high level elites here are as equipped as bill gates from the perspective of causation they would feel more confident in themselves if they had equivalent incentive returns monetarily.

to me richard dawkins seems like he really sets the bar for academics because he's worth like $130 million and has a reasonable publication record. since almost all the academics here have "similar" publication records they should all be worth somewhere between $20-500 million (based on per textbook earnings, academic journal articles, and relations writing). i don't see why the university gets to exercise a lower-class elitism that the education of the local areas is not as good or that the reputation of the university is not as high. from the shanghai perspective the lower-class elitism seems like a form of self-defeatism that i don't reallyembrace and i think that it's a real socioeconomic downward pressure against the rest of society to view it as creating too many economic goods. department stores all over the world are loaded with stuff that no one can buy and probably 99% of their products go back to the manufacturer or something like that. since there are a lot of things that i want from treadmills to housing to a swimming machine i don't see why we can't have those things, and i feel like the middle-class meatgrinder is partially to blame. it's just a metropolis of underpaid labor hours and fundmental resistance to a more scientific economics, and i don't really like it that much.

Where do you live?

That whole foundation situation seems rough. Are the universities and medical centers really that bad or are you not being honest and cooperating? I know I was tough to deal with for a while and it did not get better. I deal with psychosis and it is not just drug induced for me. I really do dislike pharmaceutical drugs but my doctor(s) and I have found the right cocktail that as long as I am sleeping well and being honest I do not seem to end up in the psych ward.

Marijuana has been an interesting tool for me in training but I do not think it is performance enhancing. The closest I got to that was taking small doses of weed and lots of doses of pre-workout stimulants. I do think the marijuana helped relax at night though. A great workout, some good post workout nutrition, plenty of puffs on a volcano bag of good shit and some planet earth or medal gear solid was always divine. I don't think you are far off though. Personalized marijuana doses and regular exercise are recipes to freedom. I always had great experiences meditating and doing yoga on weed. Consistently taking my psych meds and sleeping well are keys to freedom too. I don't want to go back to hell. External reality as a nightmare is not desirable. I don't particularly like psych wards. The food is bad and there is not much to do.

I hear you on the middle class players. I really struggled in that arena and it was part of the reason I drank so much. I am not built for 60-80 hour work weeks with perfect stats. I wanted to be lvl 99 with all the best items and it was just a really fucked place to be. I still struggle with the middle class players because it seems like in today's world that is the route to get out of poverty and have a bit more freedom. It is funny in that when I was playing poker I laughed at these middle class players but poker is a tough racket and I was not cut out for that either. I am counter culture when it comes to the middle class players but I am certainly not a satanist. Why don't you move? Back woods satanists, middle class players, and bureaucracy sounds horrible.

I don't really know. There are a lot of things I could do, but I don't do any of them. I guess they are just not in my best interest. I don't know why they are not but if they were I would do them.

I am pretty upbeat about the Shanghai grinders. They seem willing to dispense with a lot of the traditional beliefs if they appear not to work out. They seem to have a non-effort based perspective, which is good for me because I am convinced effort is dangerous.

Growing up I made a lot of effort, screaming at poker monitors and maxing out everything in every activity to the best of my ability. Weird things happened. One of my friends who was doing extremely well (and was Chinese) decided to randomly drown himself one day while we were swimming. It was a weird moment, like obviously he spontaneously just decided to drown himself even though his life was going excellently.

Since then things have gone from "OK" to really bad for my IRL human. I don't really believe in human primacy any more, I guess. I used to believe in human agency as being pretty much the most important aspect for a person, and I still believe that to some extent, but you would never really believe the things that have happened since then.

A lot of events ranging from "inexplicable" to "highly improbable" to "scientifically impossible" have happened. I think things like this happened before as well, but the pivotal event in my "waking up" seemed to have been a year spent smoking weed and taking amphetamines, playing poker, starcraft and halo with a group of guys including my friend who drown.

No one really knows why he drown. I guess he just reached a certain level of enlightenment and decided it was the end. This happened 7 years ago, and I sort of question his thinking today. If I knew what I knew now about how things could/would eventually be I would probably tell him it was a bad idea.

There doesn't seem to be any good reason for an IRL human who is progressing well to intentionally commit suicide. But you never know. A lot of bad ideas just happen spontaneously. One day you get on the interstate and decide to take your car up to the maximum speed for half an hour and nothing happens. Or any sort of spontaneous event where you don't seem to have human agency.

Since there are all sorts of inexplicable events like this it's hard to say. In Diablo there are paragon levels, I guess, decisions / choices / electives and so on. Theoretically yourself could just kill your IRL human in a moment of spontaneity because that was the state of your paragon character at that point.

Most IRL humans resist this kind of motivation in practice but agree with it in theory. When we look at the middle east people are doing inexplicable spontaneous stuff all the time, and it seems quite out of keeping with the so-called moral zeitgeist of the world we know. But on the other hand we have no idea what they're thinking or what the actual significance of events are.

It's a really weird world which seems to be a sort of "almost designed" sandbox with a lot of outs even at the human level. The Western world (meaning probably specifically mostly the United States) appears to make sense to most people from most cultures at most times from the interior perspective. But presumably in other places life makes sense to those people in mostly the same way that life in the United States makes sense to me.

There is nothing really wrong with Hollywood so-to-speak, it seems to be a sort of dream world where people do things that make sense contextually but might not work elsewhere. I can mostly see today at the level of realistic perspective that I have now that things make sense in most places, even if they don't really seem to agree with the larger picture. There is probably an "actual" explanation for almost everything, but anything can be explained differently also.

Like I said before, the dreamworld Hollywood life does seem pretty enticing, and it's hard to imagine turning your back on it if you are there. If I had ten million dollars and all the freedom possible to me, I think I would be a happier person, but even in the United States with all the apparent advantages (and disadvantages of living here) there are all sorts of unaccounted for factors. I don't really embrace the zen ideal of living life until enlightenment finds you, because it might not find you or it might not be worth it. It's also possible there are better forms of enlightenment and you would really fulfill the goals you believe you have faster in another state of being.

I don't really think all the struggling and suffering and so on is worth it, and I can see how in Oriental culture there is a fairly strong conceptual link between effort and lack of mastery. Of course there are a lot of caveats, and I don't really think the Oriental culture is currently performing better as a culture than Western culture. It might prove to be in the long run but it's a major assumption.

There are a lot of things to not really like about the sandbox we seem to be in as IRL humans. I guess my own "spawn" was pretty good, but you can imagine having a terrible spawn as someone with a variety of debilitating disorders and so on, and there's not much you can do about it.

Personally I am somewhere between "you are here for a day" and "you are here eternally". We almost certainly seem to be here for the day, and we might or might not be here "eternally" whatever that could mean. A lot of metaphysicians invest a lot into the idea of personal identity, continuity of identity, and identity over time. It's a nice idea that someone with a terrible "spawn" so-to-speak will eventually get recompensed or that someone with a "great spawn" will eventually receive reprisal, but it doesn't really make sense.

There are a lot of really complex ideas I think we could have about this, but in a lot of ways even something apparently sacred like "identity" seems to be a point of technology like any other. Obviously we have all had that experience of taking like twenty gravity bong rips and ending up flying across the universe to be uncontrollably assassinated by someone who isn't there to later fall on the ground die of a heart attack wake up and be rescued by Jesus or some completely random thing like that. There doesn't seem much to do about things like that at the time, as they seem to just happen on the force of something completely external.

I can definitely appreciate the struggle of "the time being" since from moment to moment or day to day we're making decisions and choices without any clear picture of a year from now or "eternity". In that sense the middle class grinders make sense, as they obviously don't really see themselves as "the middle class grinders" but rather just people with a fairly strong security. I don't really want to be a middle class grinder, but I can imagine the bell curve landing me there a lot of the time and life being pretty good to great.

My parents were/are really into this stuff. They have a construction of almost every drug and every world religion in our house (they're pretty old parents as I was adopted when they were 40). They're basically fake plastic trees hippies with mescaline surrogates, peyote surrogates, weed surrogates, ayahuasca surrogates, and models for every technological advancement and spiritual culture. They're not really super rich per se but it was a great environment for me while I was schizophrenic. Interestingly I don't think they actually did all those drugs, and I think they should have because come on, but even though they didn't it seems that they derived a lot knowledge and stable satisfaction from having the models on hand in the house.

It's sort of intriguing and uplifting to think about what they might have accomplished even just living a sober life (which personally I don't really want to lead or endorse). But when I compare my current sober state to the state of my mind ten years ago when I was 20, I can see there's a huge gap of progress, and that one person is not really anything like the other. I guess I don't feel terribly bad for them in other words that they lived partially sober for many years, even though to be honest I don't really agree with the current movements involving drugs that "i never took them, never take them, and won't take them again." But who knows.

There's no reason to be discouraged by other people's contentment in sobriety even if you don't completely understand or endorse it yourself. Since you're moving to the Southeast you might see a lot of this, and it'll be interesting to see what you think of it. Despite the popular media, I guess, it's a fairly enlightened society at this point, and more together in a lot of ways than other places. But even the Southeast isn't perfect and there's a pretty big communication divide sometimes. What I've learned while struggling with psychosis and wondering about how various psychoactives could possibly help me is that the ingrained beliefs and the state of the world plays a big role in how people portray themselves. The South is still a "seventh culture" in the sense that California or New York is sort of a "fourth culture" and one is religious and one is more communicative. Life isn't great, but it isn't bad, so I've learned to be more patient in ways that I wasn't before lol.

lol, that was a long post. in short i think middle class grinders are still symptomatic of a cultural depression.

like if we are meditating with someone on meth at meditation class (which happens pretty often by the design of the class). lol, i attend a "chicken" meditation class (presumably meditative chicken is pretty much the best possible way to handle drug abuse)...

anyway it can be pretty annoying, and i usually feel like going home and writing some middle class grind shit, which makes me feel like it's productive but at the "individual level" of society rather than like personally

i dunno. i try to sell middle class grinders on the poker community quite a bit, probably to the point of being annoying. it seems like the most efficient translation for their massive amounts of drug money (meaning I guess magickz) into real capital, so it seems like a great economic phenomenon to me.

this might seem surprising to you, but i live in alabama, and have schizophrenia and autism and a variety of other stuff (which could theoretically) affect me.

the drug money returns have been good for curing all sorts of stuff without resorting to drugs to cure stuff directly. that seems like a big accomplishment, but having worked for like 6 years now on "the legalization stuff"....

i do work pretty hard to convince the middle class grinders that they should add more liquidity to their drug money. since there are anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of these guys, that seems either good/bad.

i guess my understanding is that it's "the government", so-to-speak, and they're moving toward "GREAT WORKS" like marijuana legalization. this seems like a good thing, but the methodology is pretty confusing.

i guess my biggest complaint is "trip checks" as they call them in the middle class grinder community. any time i use a drug i have to "come back" to "the real world", and it does get pretty frustrating/annoying at times since i feel like the progress is at least possibly legitimate, since i put most of my drug hours into meditation/yoga/upkeep shit/tolerance resistance and so on, which isn't at least in my eyes the same as "being a heroin addict" lol

the middle class grinder community encourages using drugs "culturally" which i don't 100% agree with, like fira doing a bunch of wild and crazy celebrations (as placeholders) before returning to the real world. it's a very olympian society, which i am ok/not ok with lol

You are going to have to explain these Shanghai grinders a little better. I am not completely following and would like to know more.

I would bet that 10 million dollars and freedom would make me happier than I am now but that is a tricky proposition. How did I earn it? If I had to be some bullshit defense attorney to earn it I don't see myself as happier. If it is just a lottery or estate situation than I would think it would make me happier but I am not sure of that. There would be a lot of judgements and hassles.

I have been to Hollywood and it is bullshit. Paparazzi is lack of freedom. Kanye West described it as flies constantly flying around and landing on you while you are on vacation at the beach. Horrible situation. I have resented Kanye for his freedom in expression and success but there is no way to really know what is going on. He is recovering from some mental health stuff himself.

I, too, have spawned relatively well. I can complain about my alcoholism, my mental health, my sometimes poor disposition towards the realities of life but there really is a lot to be grateful for. It is not worth spending time on obsessing over different spawns and existing and lacking out of one's control.

I am amused to hear of other people's excessive gravity bong usage. I have not had that specific experience but similarly bizarre and harrowing and magical and terrifying. One that comes to mind was that the house I was staying at was haunted and the ghosts were trying to make contact with me. They were helping me come to a conclusion about life and other such things.

Yeah, I think most times I end up as middle class grinder from birth and I think most times I end up as middle class grinder now. Some form of middle class grinder is really what I am shooting for now. It is tough to hit those outlier occupations at 33. It still could happen but poverty sucks and I will take the right middle class grinder job. Like you said earlier I am going to disagree and I don't necessarily think one has to max out stats. Some middle class grinders are not that talented or smart but have found a job that is great for them and has maxed out stats. Most do not have maxed out stats. The ones working 60-80 hours with the maxed out stats are ahead of the curve in that regard but perhaps behind the curve in life. It is all complex as you say. What each individual wants to do with their time and talents. What makes them happy or content or whatever they want to be to journey through this existence.

I do not have a problem with sobriety or sober people. I am a sober person. I used to do drugs and drink alcohol. It caused a lot of problems. I no longer use drugs or alcohol. I don't really know how I feel about other people's drug use to be honest. On one hand I think it is great for people to experiment. On the other hand people are going to do what ends up happening. For example, I would suggest that everyone try some really great MDMA but I don't think bad about someone who does not want to do that.

"Life isn't great, but it isn't bad, so I've learned to be more patient in ways that I wasn't before." That is basically my motto about my current job which carries over to my life which makes that quote true for me as well. I am trying to think at times when my life was great. Recently, watching The Masters, I had a flashback to when I was young and playing like 36 holes of golf everyday and getting the most amazing club sandwich, fries, and pink lemonade for lunch. Those days seem like some of the best days. There are countless other days to speak of. Did I ever think my life was great? Was my life ever great? The most important question is can my life be great? What can I do to make my life better right now? It really feels like I am doing the best I can. The fates don't give a shit about what I think or they control every thought I think...

Hmm. I am in a pretty bad mood at the moment. I am currently re-experiencing a meditative journey I had a few years ago. I am a philosopher of causation, and am writing a book about causation. It is nearly 60,000 words long, so it is pretty lengthy but no where near done. I don't really feel like I'm technically the best scholar of the subject, which I find disappointing since to do anything requires credentials. It would be nice for instance if you could guarantee that "this is one of the best books about philosophy and causation" and therefore "people who could benefit from reading it like professors should read it and respond with helpful or encouraging commentary".

Everything I've learned to this point makes me believe that 1) no one will read it and 2) i won't receive any encouragement for writing it.

There's no reason at all for this. If there is any point to academics you would assume philosophy to be the most important subject in academia, and that moreover if it is the most important subject that scholars would be expected to read this material.

On the other hand philosophy might be completely pointless. One of the most famous books in philosophy, written by billionaire Ludwig Wittgenstein (a jewish guy who lived an extremely tragic life and gave away all his money) ends in "whereof one cannot speak thereof one must be silent." It's a funny line given the book itself, which is an extremely focused logic textbook which says almost nothing at all unless elaborated upon extremely.

Sometimes I think about places like the middle east where the motto seems to be "God should obliterate us" or Russia where the motto seems to be "the devil should transform us into robots and obliterate us" and it gets frustrating because I don't want to be influenced by those places, but I'll ultimately be influenced by those places.

If you look at all these places it seems like either more or less relatively ruthless practices and power substances like LSD, amphetamines, hash, and so on takes the IRL humans to the top and then leaves them there while the world goes on spinning so-to-speak.

There are all sorts of economic systems from the Marxian idea (which I don't know much about but seemed to be something of a bifurcation), to the more recent 1950s publications by Von Neumann and Milton Friedman about what was essentially a trifurcated system (where the Middle class was perceived in a certain way--not necessarily the way I've been describing them).

You can see the dream (at least the one associated with certain mythological characters like "baal" (for instance)) is to just eradicate the middle and lower class because it seems they're simply hopeless and the situation will never change.

The Friedman-Savage utility function looks at this in some detail, it is an S-shaped curve where the middle class is described as being risk-averse while both the upper and lower class are described as risk-loving. It's been almost 7 years since I read the paper, and I can see now they should have included some more complex graphing techniques that didn't emerge until more recently.

Colors and dimensions and so on would go a long way toward elaborating what the actual paper (Nobel prize winning) probably meant and what it could have intended. Unfortunately no one really knows what the "right" graph would look like in modern terms, although I read a book on the subject a few years ago. Today there are very complex multi-dimensional forecasting graphs you could use to express the question in macroeconomics.

One of the primary problems is that "happiness" and "wealth" are almost always represented by a relatively "perfect" positive correlation. Which might not be anything like the reality how people actually behave in the world... You would have to make a lot of qualitative distinctions between different types of goods, social welfare, and so on to really paint a good picture of the happiness-wealth question.

Actually my education in economics was pretty good, but I am quite frustrated currently about academics-related stuff.

It seems if you run bad in social situations, you can be a very talented academic and not accomplish much or feel much sense of accomplishment.

People talk a lot about incentives in economics, but as everyone knows it's a very systematic thing. There's a pretty rigidly established hierarchy and you don't see many cases of something like the isildur1 incident in poker. It's hard to say how that translates into academic world, and it's hard to say how financial and monetary stuff relates to academics.

You can see there's a real correlation between academic advancement and technological advancement, but there are a lot of time lags and they lead to a weird, confusing and frustrating environment.

Take this case for instance to see what I mean about causation. My dad is a fairly high-ranking occultist, and so a lot of his thinking is shaped by "this will keep these various people alive and benefit them, but we will see what happens."

I've been quite angry at him for the past several years about harassing me in various ways with his occultist stuff, even though I know it's fairly important...

Anyway, I have mild scoliosis, which is in itself not too bad, and is really the only physical problem I have. But I've slept on my right side all my life because I couldn't get to sleep any other way (prior to practicing meditation). Basically for whatever many and various reasons there are sleep is good for you, of course, and it's good to get enough sleep or even oversleep.

But for several years when I wake up in the morning I experience a variety of really frustrating rage-inducing, off-setting and annoying shit like the whole world is screaming at me. But it would turn out that this is probably a necessary phenomenon for improving my quality of life against bad sleeping posture and scoliosis. There are probably good reasons relating to a variety of things, including scoliosis why sleeping a certain way about why tending to sleep a certain way was the best solution at the time. A lot of people (some with more severe scoliosis than I have) end up with a lot of problems relating to the condition--humans transforming into dinosaurs or aliens or something like that. But my own condition has never worsened at all, and I've been able to do all the physical stuff that I would like to without worrying too much about the scoliosis. This may not be 100% true, as it has caused some problems for me, but as far as I know nothing life-threatening.

So it would seem that society is really helping me by screaming at me when we wake up, even though I prefer being awake at night. Even though it has been quite bad at times it's probably better than being dead, lol.

Anyway, this is just one of the odd instances of something very complex and aggravating making some sense

As I've said in a variety of other places, I disagree with my life. I've lived like 30 years and at least 15 of them have been hell on Earth, and I basically blame my parents for this because it all could have been avoided. People never know what to say when I tell them this, and it annoys me.

It doesn't seem great of them, so-to-speak. Why should they receive any accolades at all for sentencing someone who is innocent of any wrongdoing to 15 years of what was really torture.

All through my life I used my resources to the best of my ability, and since our family appeared to have considerable resources available to them, there really doesn't seem to be any explanation for all the apparently gratuitous suffering.

I feel like a lot of people suppose there to be some "higher purpose" to this that you might in some sense volunteer for. There's a great deal of subconscious Christ-like sentiment to the world today.

It's quite annoying to me that this exists because let's face it, if you had to opt for a 1 year program of extreme and impossible hardships, you might do it at first, after 3 months regret it, and after 6 months wish you were dead, and after 12 months i guarantee that if you were given the option to continue to be alive you wouldn't opt for another 1-year program of extreme and impossible hardships.

the idea that people actually do this is a lie in and of itself because it's quite an impossible thing. you literally wouldn't have the willpower to opt for another year of such a situation, and therefore you wouldn't do it if the word voluntary still held any significance.

people believe, think and feel a variety of bullshit, and a lot of the time i'd just like to tell them that they need to cope with their feelings of insecurity about things.

at least 15 of the 30 years of my life have been of the description of "1 year program you could not possibly volunteer for a second time". i don't agree with the sentiment that "we fucked you over so hard by putting you through this that we can't do anything other than annoy you, aggravate you, and then re-queue you to start over and be tortured for another year."

but this is basically the description of their behavior. "sorry we cannot process the fact that we have millions of dollars and by simply giving you some of those dollars you would immediately be able to repair your situation."

it is in some sense ridiculous that all this is compatible with their personal notions of selfhood (which appears to in some if not many respects include their own "divinity"

the honest answer is that the middle-class is a horror show of people who don't seem to be able to behave outside of nonsensical constraints.

at times like these, which hopefully don't last too long, it starts feeling like some disenfranchised chemist like timothy leary turns out to be "God", and that he has a pithy slogan like "well everyone appears to have a reality tunnel. I'm getting fucked on this so everyone is going to be required to converge to a perfect reality. Unfortunately for Prometheus here it seems that he was off the mark by at least 15 lifetimes and so we'll be using him for our reform model, thank you Jesus."