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Escape and Expression and Feelings

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RiKD    United States. Jul 29 2015 06:14. Posts 8442
Hi LP,

Sometimes i find myself a bit overwhelmed. I suppose i could just write a personal journal or talk to some close, trusted friends but for whatever reason it feels good to write a blog on LP. I know and trust a lot of people on LP. It feels comfortable to write here. I do not mind posting my feelings on an open forum. Inspiration, truth, love, creativity, discussion, all these things are good.

This post is going to be a conscious effort to escape and express my feelings. I am not sure where it will go.

Actually, I may just decide to write it here and not post because i do not want to be afraid to express something.

I have a lot of fear. I have a lot of grief i am still getting through.

Damn, i am still grieving my grandmother who i loved so dearly. I miss her. Can i let go of the fact that i can no longer experience her love and care? Can i let go that i can no longer help her with her tomato garden and pick and taste the freshly ripened tomatoes? Can i let go that i will never experience another home cooked meal on her porch finished with some port and conversation serenaded with crickets and calmed by a cool summer breeze?

"Running" by Gil-Scott Heron and Jamie XX just came up on my Spotify playlist. I am good at running. Especially from my feelings. I always have been. Someone once told me, "You can always run away... the problem is you have to bring yourself." I like that. I also like this song. It might be better escape than writing so fuck this for a bit.

Ok. I am back.

Just real quick.

How do people get to a place of courage? of acceptance? of peace? of joy? of love?

I thought i got there sometimes with drugs and alcohol. That black box of wine, that bottle of Hennessey, that bottle of Jack Daniels. I give the cashier the money and i know what i am getting. It is not even really a drug dealer. They sell like toothpaste and soap and milk and cereal and deodorant and bread and butter. Oh, if it is Target they also sell some pretty reasonable paraphernalia to consume. Once consumption gets to a respectable level (or horrifying level depending on the perspective) one can just keep a decanter full and get to that heart and lungs place. That place where i do not have to feel or think. Can i let go of that place? It never truly brought me courage, acceptance, peace, joy, or love. Some nights i tried my damndest. I mean really did my best. I mean attempted to go damn near through every bottle i could get my hands on to search for the answers. To get to enlightenment. To get closer to God. Sometimes in the oblivion, in the silence, in the stillness it was close. I never found any answers but at least i did not have to feel. Of course, the consequences were horrendous. I was completely destroying my mind, body, and soul. I am still dealing with all of the wreckage and all of the surrounding emotions and feelings i now am getting better at learning how to deal with. To let go.

Women, weed, weather, gambling, HBO, Showtime, Netflix, music, powerlifting, porn, reading, writing, talking, man, so many forms of escape and expression. They all work until they don't. Dependence can be a helluva thing.

Sometimes i feel angry. Sometimes i feel guilty. Sometimes i feel pride and guilt for the same thing. I feel as if i am still grieving the loss of my job.

Can i let go driving into the mills early to meditate with a cup of coffee as the sun rises over Lake Michigan? Can i let go of all the people i laughed with and worked with to be of service to a community? Can i let go of that apartment and all that cool stuff and my kind of town Chicago?

Damn. Is there ever peace, love, joy, enlightenment going down the rabbit hole of a "Taking a bath, you should come over" text? Trent Reznor has a song i really like about that. Getting closer to God. Yeah, probably another one of those things that works until it doesn't. Can i let that go? Can i let go that i will never have sex, drugs, and rock n' roll ever again? 1 day at a time?

The progression of mutual attraction, love, and spiritual partnership is a beautiful thing. That is something to aspire to.

There are definitely better ways to escape than getting high on JOI porn and skeeting into a towel. I feel some shame and humiliation for that. That is one occupation i can definitely let go.

Sometimes i do feel lonely though. I feel bored. I feel depressed. I feel that feeling those things are ok. It is just about finding the best ways to escape and express those feelings, hopefully, without suppressing too much to get to those places of acceptance, peace, serenity, courage, joy, love, wholeness, closeness.

Oh my Gosh!

All under one roof raving,

RiKD

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RiKD    United States. Jul 29 2015 06:19. Posts 8442

LP, Planet Earth, The Universe,

All Under One Roof Raving:



How can we be of service to our fellows and the people about us?


RiKD    United States. Jul 29 2015 06:30. Posts 8442

Feelin' Happy Stay See Summermix 2015

bon ete:


YoMeR   United States. Jul 29 2015 08:27. Posts 12435

death can really fuck with one's head and have you reeval everything and anything. Give it time to heal.

eZ Life. 

PuertoRican   United States. Jul 29 2015 08:33. Posts 13029




I'll reply to this when my brain is working properly, but until then, listen to the poet that is Tupac Shakur.

Rekrul is a newb 

spugru   Finland. Jul 29 2015 09:08. Posts 187

Maybe try some antidepressants? Self-medicating is never a good idea.

play your position small soldier 

cariadon   Estonia. Jul 29 2015 10:39. Posts 4019

Was listening to this while reading. Find peace within yourself. Love is as easy as breathing.


traxamillion   United States. Jul 29 2015 19:03. Posts 10468

careful with over prescribed psych meds, wouldn't be one of my first options as suggested by the poster above.

 Last edit: 29/07/2015 19:04

dnagardi   Hungary. Jul 29 2015 20:18. Posts 1776

lovely writing, has a great atmosphere

i cannot give you answers tho, i bet no one can, i feel like i am not able to properly form my oppionion
for one thing, it sounds like post traumatic depression. Dont let your thoughts consume yourself.


Big_Rob_isback   United States. Jul 30 2015 01:23. Posts 211

The good and tough part is that if you can make it through suffering, you will be an even happier person than you could possibly be before. This is because you can realize to stop making yourself suffer by your own hand, and also because you will secondly have been able to find the courage to face your fearful emotions of the past hidden inside you.

I have yet to do either. I really resonate with your post. You may be close to happiness if you find a path and really give it a shot.

Also, join groups of people (maybe a hiking group for singles? Idk), or get a counselor before psychiatric medications. Those are for support and needed at times, but not right away definitely.

I had a lot of stress and life problems and a doc just prescribed antidepressants without any guidance on how to change my life etc. Nobody guided my or told me anything and I was only 20 years old, kind of fucked up. I guess it was my chance to figure things out for myself and become an adult but I was too scared. Now I am still facing the same problems, but I have guidance.

GL man, you seem like a cool dude and I wish you all the best. There is a lot of stuff out there for people going through what you are that want to grow and be the happiest version of themselves they can be, without it being some weird cultish bullshit.

just playing live poker for fun 

RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2015 21:02. Posts 8442


  On July 29 2015 07:33 PuertoRican wrote:



I'll reply to this when my brain is working properly, but until then, listen to the poet that is Tupac Shakur.



Thank you

Love Tupac

Would love to hear reply even if it is PM.


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2015 21:02. Posts 8442


  On July 29 2015 09:39 cariadon wrote:
Was listening to this while reading. Find peace within yourself. Love is as easy as breathing.




Awesome

Thank you


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2015 21:04. Posts 8442

Re: meds

Appreciate feedback. I don't feel the need to get exact nature but i will let my trusted psychiatrist and therapist handle that topic. Unless someone wants to go deeper discussion over PM.


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2015 21:05. Posts 8442


  On July 29 2015 19:18 dnagardi wrote:
lovely writing, has a great atmosphere

i cannot give you answers tho, i bet no one can, i feel like i am not able to properly form my oppionion
for one thing, it sounds like post traumatic depression. Dont let your thoughts consume yourself.



Thank you.

Would love to hear more of your thoughts, and experience on post traumatic depression over PM if you are up for it.


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2015 21:11. Posts 8442


  On July 30 2015 00:23 Big_Rob_isback wrote:
The good and tough part is that if you can make it through suffering, you will be an even happier person than you could possibly be before. This is because you can realize to stop making yourself suffer by your own hand, and also because you will secondly have been able to find the courage to face your fearful emotions of the past hidden inside you.

I have yet to do either. I really resonate with your post. You may be close to happiness if you find a path and really give it a shot.

Also, join groups of people (maybe a hiking group for singles? Idk), or get a counselor before psychiatric medications. Those are for support and needed at times, but not right away definitely.

I had a lot of stress and life problems and a doc just prescribed antidepressants without any guidance on how to change my life etc. Nobody guided my or told me anything and I was only 20 years old, kind of fucked up. I guess it was my chance to figure things out for myself and become an adult but I was too scared. Now I am still facing the same problems, but I have guidance.

GL man, you seem like a cool dude and I wish you all the best. There is a lot of stuff out there for people going through what you are that want to grow and be the happiest version of themselves they can be, without it being some weird cultish bullshit.



Awesome post man

Thank you

Very true for me too about the blindly prescribed meds without any treatment for dealing with my emotions, feelings, and why i was self-medicating in the first place. So true too on the fear and all the forms it takes. Would love to chop it up over PM or skype sometime.


dnagardi   Hungary. Jul 30 2015 21:30. Posts 1776

so are you seeing a good psychiatrist? thats good, one of the best thing you can do. But if you feel no improvement after like half a year, think about switching to another


Loco   Canada. Aug 02 2015 11:13. Posts 20963

http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Young-Rainer-Maria-Rilke/dp/1577311558

https://play.spotify.com/album/5W2tuM...=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 02/08/2015 11:23

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2015 18:57. Posts 8442

Awesome.

Bought and listening.

Thank you.


 



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