removed gross picture links
I haven't spoken of my most schizophrenic horror experiences. That year before I went into a mental hospital was the hardest year of my life.
Those 2 people in the pictures, they are heroes. I remember being in las vegas, my brother final tabled the wsop main event and I had a piece so I no longer had money problems for my transgender operations. This will sound petty, I was getting fat and hated the gym, I couldn't maintain a skinny frame, so essentially I was no even close to passing as a female. All I ever wanted to be was pass as a female and give lapdances to pooruser at the rhino, and have him not know Im a dude. That would make me laugh forever. The boob job doctor said I had to be on hormones for a year before I could get a boob job. Anyway I felt hideous and I couldn't be a sexy tranny so fuck it, im not going to be a hideous creature tranny. Bottom surgery is some scary ass shit on top of it. Anyway, thats not that bad. I was a professional poker, played like 50,000 tournaments, 50% roi. Taught my younger brother everything I knew, hes better than me now by a lot. Hes a cash game player and has very little understanding about ICM, as a tournament player ICM is critical knowledge to making greater profit. So he hired a coach, Jason Somervile, a gay canadian poker player. I'm hearing voices to suck Jason's dick, and my brothers dick. And fuck Jason's partner. So its a bit uncomfortable to be around them. But its my duty as an older brother to coach my younger brother on how to play final tables in the biggest tournament of both our lives. So I get on the plane, I instantly spot a young girl with her mother, I praying Im not going to have to sit near these two. Fortune had it, Im sitting right infront of them. "Hey little girl want to see my penis?" I just fucking sit down. Something vile and disgusting and pedophilic was said, I dont remember the exact words, but the moment they were spoke in my mind, the mother kicked my chair. I was under the impression that People could on a subconscious level hear my thoughts. And sometimes would react to my thoughts with unintentional physical movement. I felt people were tallking to me with their movement based on the shit I was hearing in my head. Once the mother kicked my chair, I couldn't stay on the plane. I deboarded, they asked me why am I getting off. Sam Harris wrote a book about lies, and my younger brother says you should never lie. What do you guys think? I told the stewardess I'm afraid to fly. And the airplane people laughed at me, including the pilot. Some weirdd shit happened, I made up my mind to get a gun, go into the desert and blow my brains out.. I didn't have my own car, and I was a little afraid to ask the taxi driver to take me to a gun store. Cause who da fck goes to a gunstore straight from the airport? I'm barely able to live in our las vegas house, homicidal, rapist, its really awkward when there is a knife on the table and someone else is in the kitchen with me. I pretend that knife is not there and I dont see it. The taxi driver said he was going to report me, so I got out. I couldn't make it through a hotel line to get a room, so I called my dad to pick me up. I told my brother that I couldn't come because I couldn't control myself sexually around Jason Somerville. Anyway so my bro is learning poker for months and he wants to play some ept tournaments and hes free rolling me and giving me 25% equity along with a plane flight. So we go to barcelona, spain for a 8k tournament main event. Many months later, I couldn't live in a house or hotel with other people in it so I stayed in my car, driving on highways for about a month. Couldn't sleep at truck stops because of the murder rape voices. So I found places where no one was, to sleep and just drove up and down california for weeks. I passed by and stopped at a mental hospital but I didn't know what to say. And those places are really expensive anyway. So my time in Barcelona was worse than living on the road and sleeping in a car in isolated areas. None of you appreciate, how difficult it is, to jump from a great height to shatter your bones. There are no moments in life worse than the terror of death unless you are on fire I suppose? If you take the easy way out, there's no way you are going to be able to kill yourself violently because that is always more difficult than continuing. The dmt did something to my body, where my body would move on its own. Often my hand would turn into a gun and point at my head. Not even me doing it, just happening. As I registered for the Barcelona tournament, that happened, I was embarrassed and hoped no one saw that. I have never in my life cried in public. Never. Its not just voices, its my imagination has been hijacked by evil, always planting evil thoughts into my consciousness. I don't remember exactly what happened. But it went sort of like this. My hands were under the table, and it was looking like I was jerking off under the table. Im hearing voices telling me to suck the dudes dick to the left of me and to the right of me and when the guy on the left put his hand on his lap it was like an unconscious sexual invitation. In my imagination, cocks were getting shoved up every persons' ass at the table including the dealer. I forget the breaking point. I start going allin every hand. Not even looking at cards, and going allin. I ship 83o, we have like who knows over 100bb maybe 300bb I dont remember, I text my brother, tell him Im shipping every hand, that Ill pay him back the 8k and that I was sorry. Dude calls me with Kings. I got 83o. I win. LOL. It doesn't matter that I have double my chips because still Im fucking insane and money aint going to do shit for me. Im at the point I need to kill myself. So I keep going allin. I end up having a4s and get called by pocket 8s and I win. so I got 4x stack. I leave the table and dont come back. I'm having troube falling asleep in the same bed as my brother. We are sharing a hotel room. Constant rapist thoughts. Hes breathing really heavy so I think he hears my thoughts and knows hes in danger. I sleep on the street. Im hearing murdering voices towards the taxi driver as he takes me to the tournament the next day. The dude to my right compliments my chip stack. the voices say hes a chip fucker, that he will fuck you for money. I win nearly every pot I play, and get a shit load of chips and leave early again. I text my brother Im afraid Im going to rape you if we stay in the same room. He doesn't believe me at all and invites me to stay in the hotel room. I find a nice spot where no one walks to hide myself and sleep. Im at the featured table with 3 tables left. IIari Sahamies is at my table. Just every way he moves, he looks like hes killed people in the past. This was a long time ago, I dont remember it word for word. All I know it was scary. Day 1 I cried at my table, and I don't cry infront of other people. Ok so it gets too the point, where Im in the hotel, I cant go back into the room with my brother. Can't really get food or anything.. Because Ill be around people. So Im at the window, knowing I shud fucking jump. I want to fucking jump. I jump and all this ends. I dont know, I was there like 10 minutes and the maid started staring at me so I backed away. So I have a question for you guys. My bro gave me a 25% freeroll on a 8k tournament, but then I started shoving every hand and I texted him that Ill pay him back the 8k. He agreed. the 1% chance comes through and I quadruple up. My bro is saying I should get half 50%. I thought since I bought the tournament I should get 100%. Not that any of this matters really. He bought my plane and hotel and bought me in the tournament. Me shoving all in every hand, was out of my control. I couldn't stay at the table. But I couldn't do this to my bro, so I bought the tournament from him.
My main point of this story is mental illness does not have a limit. I think if there is a limit to mental illness, pretty much everyone kills themselves before they get close to the limit. You see this shit I was going through and I didn't have the balls to kill myself by jumping, what you think is going on in the two peoples lives in those pictures? I can't even imagine despite having been extremely mentally ill. Those people were on a different level of mental illness than me, to nail a nail with your skull and gouge out your own eyes. |
United States. Dec 05 2014 04:13. Posts 10197
