qwerty67890 New Zealand. Sep 06 2013 06:41. Posts 14026
I wrote these 4 years ago (you feeling old?) when I had a job that had a lot of 'spare time' - Its spoof pokernews.
Found them in my drafts from my email. There were some others that have been lost in cyberspace, like a story about Phil Hellmuths hall of fame picture falling off the wall under the weight of its own ego.
Some are better than others...
Busto frat boy claims “Doyle is bad for the poker economy”
James Scott, a freshman at Florida State University has claimed that Doyle Brunson is bad for the poker economy and is taking money out of the game.
Mr Scott said yesterday “I was watching Doyle on High Stakes Poker, he was playing really tight, nitting it up, winning a few blinds and then it hit me” he said “Doyle is old, he cant have long left – when he goes the money Doyle has accumulated over his lifetime playing poker will be divided up by his estate. Only a small percentage of this will be put back in by his son Todd”
Angered at this thought Mr Scott took his revelation to the internet message boards to rally support in an attempt to get Doyle to return his poker winnings to the poker economy and get him banned from high stakes cash games and any tournament with a buy-in greater than $12.
His enthusiasm wasn’t met with the support he had hoped and he quickly found himself on the back foot arguing against forum posters who found his comments disrespectful to the poker hall of famer.
“They’re all fan-boys” James said, “But think about it this way, if Doyle divided up his fortune among the lower stakes players, everyone could move up. I currently play NL10 but all these donkeys keep going all in with 56 suited and busting my AA so its impossible to get a bankroll started”
Mr Scott claims that he and many others could benefit from a windfall from Doyle and he could move up stakes “to a level where they respect my raises”. He also added “the UIGEA has affected us all, before I had almost $187 in tournament winnings on Full Tilt, but post legislation I am now -$97 and struggling to break even”
“By my estimations a bankroll of about $50,000 would put me in reach of my poker goals of being a regular at the 5/10 and a Breitling watch”
Mr Scott says his next step is to attend the World Series of Poker with patches and badges which he is hoping other “young guns” will wear and give his cause some media coverage.
“I won’t be giving up on this, I know I‘m right”
James is planning on dropping out of university next semester to pursue a career as a poker professional.
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*This is in regards to the following video, at the 2 minute mark:
Media Intern Dies after receiving “Ivey Death Stare”
The Media intern who jumped in Ivey’s path shortly after he busted from the Main Event final table has died 3 days after she received Phil Ivey’s trademark “death stare”
Video footage shows young media intern Maria Martinez throwing herself in front of Ivey as he was departing the Rio on November 9th. “She grabbed him around the waist and tired to turn him towards the camera so the interview could commence” said eye witness Howard Lederer.
“He said ‘whoa’ to try and warn her, but it was too late, there wasn’t enough time for her to get out of the way”
It was at this moment when Ivey’s eyes unleashed a wrath of power synonymous with the high stake player. “This time it was more intense, like he actually seized her soul” Lederer added.
Two days later she was admitted to hospital with fever, cold sweats and uncontrollable diarrhoea.
On November 12th she was pronounced dead. The cause of death is unknown but having reviewed the footage doctors say that Phil Ivey’s eyes were the most probable cause. “Each year around the time of the World Series of Poker we see patients admitted with similar symptoms” said Dr Suman Prakash “The one constant in all these cases is that they were usually seated at the same table as Phil Ivey.” He said “This is the first case where a patient has died, but having reviewed the footage it’s clear that in this instance the eyes were radiating a much higher level of soul-reading”
Dr Prakash advised poker players not to look directly into the eyes of Phil Ivey. “If you must then the player must use a pin-hole viewer – similar to the ones you would use to look a solar eclipse”
Howard Lederer made a statement to the media on behalf of Phil Ivey and Team Full Tilt. He said “We are deeply saddened that Phil’s eyes have caused the death of a young member of the media. Our condolences are sent out to the family.” Howard also added “I had talked to her only moments before she made the fatal error. She was a freak and a very weird girl. She was also quite young; I think she should have stayed away.”
Phil was unreachable for comment as his chat was turned off at Ivey Thunder dome.
Local man wins home game high hand jackpot with 5 of a kind
Derek Whites, a local of Carlston, South Carolina entered his weekly home game tournament the same as he had been doing for the past few years. However this week, his fortunes changed, and after what he claims to be “one of the worst downswings in worldwide poker history” his big score finally came in.
“It was just another night. My pal Greg runs a tournament in his basement every Wednesday night, it’s a $20 buy-in winner takes all. We usually have about 6 – 12 entrants. It’s a tough game, but after a few beers the action starts to get wild” said Derek.
“Id made it down to heads-up when I was dealt pocket 5’s” I went all in and had my opponent covered” he said “He called and the board was dealt. The flop came 2 of clubs, 5 of clubs, King of spades” My opponent flipped his hand, stood up and shouted “CLUB ONE TIME!!” as he threw 7 clubs 3 clubs on the felt”
“The prize pool that week was $160, and my truck needed a new back tire, so I was praying like hell for him not to get there”
The dealer burned and turned “A 5 of clubs hit the turn, my heart sank – I was devastated – his flush had got there and I needed to pair the board to win”
The dealer dealt the river and the 5 of hearts was flipped from the deck onto the table “I just exploded with joy – greatest feeling in the world – Id been watching Chris Moneymaker’s World Series win earlier that day, and I thought that feeling of taking down a major tournament would always remain a dream for me”
It wasn’t until the chips were being counted down that John Gregory, who was dealing the game, noticed that Greg had made 5 of a kind.
“At first I thought it was the beer” said John “I was pretty hammered at the time, so it took a few moments to sink in. I alerted the table that there was an extra 5 in the deck, in fact the back extra 5 was a different colour to the rest of the deck, and I don’t know how we missed it first time round”
Derek’s opponent and runner-up Shaun Long was asked if he wanted to run the board out again. He declined saying “That’s poker folks”
The weekly high-hand jackpot of $15 and a 6 pack of Budweiser were awarded to Derek. He has since replaced the tire on his truck.
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Jeffery Pollack Introduces ‘Wild Cards’ to the World Series of Poker.
Commissioner of the World Series of Poker, Jeffery Pollack, is aiming to introduce a new “Wild Card” to the standard 52 card deck.
The new card, similar to a joker, will be able to be used by a player to be any other card of the deck.
“Imagine the excitement of Pocket Aces vs. Wild Cards” said Jeffery “We’ve all seen Aces vs. Kings at the tables, and its losing its excitement, we know the odds, Aces is 80% favourite to win – but 2 Aces vs. 2 Wild Cards? Who knows which hand is a favourite in that scenario!?!?”
“I’m once again going to improve the game of poker and make it more exciting for the viewing public”
The new cards, which will be named after the creator, will be designed to look as exciting as possible “Id like to see any player keep his or her poker face when they’re dealt ‘Pocket Pollack’s’ under the gun during a world series event” said Jeffery.
“We’ve done a lot of research into what the design of the card should be. We wanted it to look exciting. So we went with a bright colour scheme, dollar signs with a gold trim”
“Its going to shake the game right up” Said Jeffery “Im throwing out the rule book, quite literally, and replacing it with a better more exciting one – All these math wiz kids are going to have to get their calculator out if they hope to master the changes in probability with the introduction of my new cards”
If the new cards are successful, Mr Pollack aims to replace all other forms of poker with No Limit Texas Holdem by the 2012 World Series “They say it’s the only true form of poker ‘The Cadillac of poker” said Jeffery “That’s a line from the new Matt Damon movie ‘Rounder’s’ which was just released”
Paul Magriel’s Tongue Allowed To Enter Poker Tournament.
World Poker Tour officials declared Paul Magriel’s tongue eligible to enter WPT events as a separate entrant from Paul himself.
After reviewing footage of Paul from previous televised events he has played, it was decided that the tongue could be considered a separate entity from Paul himself.
“It appears to move on its own accord, have a conscience and be able to make decisions independently from the host body.” Said WPT Spokes-woman, Jane Wirral.
It was unanimously agreed that Pauls tongue – nicknamed “X-Twenty-Tongue” would be allowed to enter tournaments on its own accord.
Allowances will be made so that both the tongue and Paul can play in the same tournament and neither player would have to miss a hand.
“Paul will be required to close his eyes when the tongue is playing its hand, officials will be on hand to ensure this, to avoid any advantage that Paul could gain from knowing the tongues hole cards”
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waga United Kingdom. Sep 06 2013 07:26. Posts 2375
Hopefully everything is going well for you in the rl's!
